The one thing I find difficulty dealing with is change; things or situations changing. I find that rather hard to adapt to. In my work with elderly people we deal with change all the time, so why I haven't dealt with it a long time ago I don't know. People are old, get sick, die, things in healthcare change all the time, the system changes and the way we have to work does. Next year I'm going to work more hours so another change. Furthermore I will help coworkers who have difficulty with the Dutch language or with the way to write an email for example. Lots of change but good changes I think. Hopefully next year will bring just that; good changes.
Mary Shelley was born on August 30, 1797, in London, England. She married poet Percy Bysshe Shelley in 1816. Two years later, she published her most famous novel, Frankenstein. She wrote several other books, including Valperga (1823), The Last Man (1826), the autobiographical Lodore (1835) and the posthumously published Mathilde. Shelley died of brain cancer on February 1, 1851, in London, England.
I for one never liked change. I know change is part of life and without change there is no progress to life but still, I don't like it. It disrupts life in my oppinion, or my life. I like it nice, peaceful and quiet with not much going on. Just same old same old. Boring for some, but a way of surviving for others.
And since it's Mary Shelley's birthday today, I chose this quote for Wednesday Wisdom.
“If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective.” ~Unknown
Sometimes it feels as if you are completely in control of your life, but when it comes to relationships there’s always the other person.
Especially when you're in a second relationship where you so want things to be different than in the first one. You feel in control but are you?
How often have you wanted a relationship to be something that it was not?
Try being in a relationship where your partner has any form of autism. Their mood can change t anytime so sometimes you feel like walking on eggshells when really it shouldn't be like this at all. Or it wasn't what you imagined your second relationship to be. But to be honest; is it ever? We always make things more exciting in our heads, better.
Sure the love is there but with someone with autism you have to do the extra steps necessary to make it really work. It's not that your loved one is able to understand the things you take for granted. They don't come natural to them, they have to be taught. You can teach them from a young age on but if they never learned those things it is even more difficult.
Sometimes I find it hard when he is getting angry over nothing but recently I found out it is a reaction on my own reactions. If I am getting worked up over something he is getting even more worked up, if one of my sons are reacting angry, he will get even more angry or agitated.
Action - reaction it seems.
So how much can I expect of him? How high are/were my own expectations in the first place? Am I that perfect all the time? Is he taking me for who I am?
Answers; my expectations are often too high; I'm not perfect; He is taking me as I am!
To go further than that; he respects me, he wants to do everything for me and my boys, he does his part in household tasks, etc. So what is bothering me? The different social behavior? The reactions he can't control? I don't know, but what I do know is that he loves me, he doesn't take me for granted and he wants to grow old with me...
Yesterday my oldest son had his birthday and turned 22 already. I find birthdays of kids always a bit of a time to reflect as a mum; where has the time gone? Before you know it they have gone out of the house and live on their own. I know that a few years ago I wrote a blog about him leaving my home to go live at his dad's house and that I was scared of loosing him already. I should have know better than to worry over that; after a year he came back to live here. Not only because he wanted to be back here but also because his girlfriend lives nearer here and a few other reasons.
But I know that the time will come that they will leave 'the nest'. If I'm prepeared that's a whole different matter all together.
When I was 19 I went on to live with what was to become the dad of my kids. Didn't know it then though, as I didn't know of course that we would get a divorce 18 years after we were married. So every moment the boys are living here longer than I lived at my parents house is one to be cherrished perhaps. On the other hand are they ready to live on their own yet? But was I?
Things have a way of turning out as they should. You may want to help it turn out the way you want it to but that's no use. What ever is supposed to happen will happen in the end. So all I as their mum can do is be there for them and hope that in the meantime I've prepared them enough for 'the big world' to live on their own. I can worry but as I am well aware that's a useless occupation.
But still.... where did the time go?
Everyone has a different past but somehow I think that most people, how different their past is, can relate to what I'm about to describe.
From my personal experience I have found that no matter how many times you've been happy in the past, or no matter how many positive things have happened you tend to remember the negative things more. Why do we do that? Most certainly the good things that have happened in our lives are worth it to be remembered too. They most times outweigh the negative things but still we experience the bad, the negative things in such a way that they are remembered better. Loss, friends who leave us, relationships break-ups, divorce, you name it or it has happened to me, and I'll bet it has happened to you as well. But the fun times, the happy times, the great hollidays, the laughter, the hugging, love, what is it that we release these memories and have sleepless nights over the negative ones? It's the worst thing we can do for our peace of mind!
It causes more harm than good and why? For me it even causes overthinking things.
Three ways that holding onto the pain are causing more pain;
1. You blame yourself.
I did this after I got a divorce. It's a classic. You blame yourself. No matter what you're worrying about; the 'could've, should've, would've'. When that comes in the picture you know you're in trouble anyway. You know you're too late to do anything about it so stop doing it! Easier said than done I know! Deep down you know that everything will be alright one day, someday somehow. If you only give yourself time to heal. Not dwell on bygones.
2. You think you can change it.
Hello, McFly! It's the past! Unless you have invented a timemachine or can borrow the one from 'Back to the Future' you can't go back to the past. What's done is done.
My life's motto is; Everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe in that. We may not ever know what the reason is but that there is a reason for it I am sure of.
3. You don't allow yourself to grow from it.
Everything that happens to you, happens for a reason I said that already. You learn from it, you grow from it. You get wiser so to speak. So if you constantly carry your hurt around with you and keep dwelling on it you don't grow, it is holding you back from growth, from moving on. Maybe you don't want to move on, or don't want change. I am the first one to admit I don't like change much either. But without change no growth. Without change there would be no butterflies.
You have to let go of your past so that your past can turn into a fond memory, one that you can remember one day and think; I did good, I had made the right choices in life.
Lately I haven't felt all that good, not comfortable in my skin, anxious I've wrote it all down the other day on my blog on menopausal crankiness .
I have snapped at people, online as to my loved ones, and I was thinking; I always feel I 'have' to do things. I stopped with the 'you have to' bit years ago but not on social media. I'm on various parts of social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr, you name it. You check in several times a day to see what's new and there hardly ever is anything new. Just the same old same old. People ranting about the crappy weather, which you like but they don't seem to get, people complaining all the time, people judging other people without even trying to understand their perspective. Of course there is some good things; I've met most all my friends online, I even met my hub online. But.... you seem to 'have to' like everything, respond to everything, 'heart' everything, react to everything. I make a lot of edits everyday. I really like Benedict Cumberbatch but not that much. I was so done with it all, no I am done with it all. I have over 3000 followers on Twitter! It's not that I don't appreaciate those people who seem to like what I do or say, I do! But I can't keep up.
My head was at the verge of exploding so it seemed. I had to take a break from it all. So yesterday I told every social media site I'm taking a social media break. But now I have a dilemma; Is blogging social media and if it is does that mean I can't write my thoughts here anymore? If I can't write I'll explode! Maybe it's only social if people can respond to it and I should turn the comment section off? I do feel the need to write every now and again if I feel the need so I can vent my thoughts to someone. To myself mostly. But I also still love making quotes so I might still continue with those. I will listen more to music so perhaps more new music on Sunday blogs to come.. who knows?
Sometimes I write in the hope I learn from it; something that makes me see how wrong I was or how I need to change things. I know I can do that in a personal journal too but this is essentially why I made this blog in the first place; to learn from it, from myself and maybe others can too. I know that my partner with autism blog has helped a lot of women and still does! So maybe there's no harm in writing every now and again still. It will be a big challenge for me as it is to not pick up my phone and check Twitter or Facebook every half hour.
But I'm also looking forward to doing other things again; reading more, writing more, walking, *cleaning my house says* , drawing even which I neglected a lot. Just things I did before social media even was invented. Things I did before I was sitting behind my laptop all afternoon srolling senseless reading stuff and thinking 'what on earth have I done anyway the past two hours?' You waste your life away with your phone in hand at every step you make in life. The first thing you do in the morning? Picking up your phone to see what has happened.... It's not normal now is it!
Well let's just hope I will survive this rehab and can detox a bit.
Writing a blog once in a while isn't the worst of things.
I would have never believed it to be true or would dismiss it; I'm not cranky and what if I were? It's not because I'm in menopause (started when I was 39 so for almost 10 years now so what's the big deal?) hell no, I'm doing just fine thank you. But (as my mum sometimes 'subtly' puts it) I seem to have a history with being down at times. I take things very personally too, can't help it, I have a low selfesteem ever since I was a teen and being bullied for years. (working on that) So when I had a 'thing' at work with coworkers I made it bigger than it was in my head. So big in fact that my health was at risk. My epilepsy was acting up big time which is not a good thing when I'm working at an elderly's home. Thankfully they are only smaller seizures but still very annoying. My mind was working overtime thinking and overthinking why it was that they didn't like me or what I had done wrong. (which was nothing, all in the head)
Yesterday we had a team meeting and when my foreperson started a discussion about the subject everyone was very surprised at what I was thinking. I had made things so much bigger and worse than they were. Nothing was going on, only in my head it was. From a small thing with one coworker I had made it into 'nobody likes me'... (it's a bit more complicated than that but I'm not going into more details here) It didn't make any sense to me until one coworker said she had experienced the exact same thing a few years back (meanwhile she was waving a piece of paper in front of her for cool air so we were in the same boat so to speak) She felt down all the time, forgot everything, kept overthinking things and she said; 'It's the damn menopause'. I never wanted to believe that or I really never had thought about it to be honest. But it made a lot of sense. She said I had to clear my head more, walk outside more, do more things for myself by myself just to clear that full head of all those thoughts.
If I see that list I can name almost 20 which I seem to have; the worst being itchy, mood swings, irritability, trouble sleeping, anxiety, faulty memory, achy joints, muscles, tense muscles, weight gain, clammy feeling and the hot flashes and night sweats. The past week sore breasts joined happily along with them. So waiting on the rest of the list to join in... Thankfully my period has gone for good so that's the one good thing about it! I don't see restless legs syndrome on there but it should! God that's annoying! And the itchy thing... when I finally sleep I wake up from scratching my head because it has gotten so dry and itchy! Menopause; and to think I'm only 48.... darn...
*breathe in, breathe out*
We have to see the humour in it somehow, somewhere...
Anyone?
All my life people told me the exact oposite of the quote above; I wasn't supposed to speak so loud, not laugh so hard, not be present too much etc etc... I probably have some kind of ADHD but was never tested so people/family everyone put their two cents in to try and mould me into a person they thought was how you should be. Or rather their version of how I should be.
A lot has happened to me along the years, in life I mean. I got bullied over a period of a year or two, three maybe. I was (still am to be honest) a very insecure person. Insecurities are often loud, confidence is silent. People often don't take the time to get to know a person but they do judge them.
When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I always said I wanted to be a mum. I never knew what kind of profession I wanted; A mum was all I wanted to become. My mum did a pretty good job of it, so why couldn't I become one. Because you don't get paid to be one perhaps.
Kids don't judge you, you're their mum, you are the way you are. If you have insecurities they don't see them when they're small and when they're older they do whatever is in their power to help you with them. My boys love me for who I am, they don't mind that I have a loud voice or that I sometimes snap because I am feeling anxious. They know how I am.
So does my family, hub, mum and sis.
But coworkers that's something entirely different. When I met my ex and went to live with him I had to find a job. A job comes with coworkers and they don't always take the time to get to know you or take you as you are. I worked in an office with a lot of other women. When I tell you that working with only women is the worst I'm not telling you anything a lot of other women don't know. Women together can be very gossipy (if that's a word) and spiteful. I don't get that, I'm certainly not like that at all! I've worked in several offices, in shops and realised that was not for me. I couldn't do that for the rest of my life. Being someone who I'm not. Thankfully I got pregnant and my real job began.
But when I got a divorce years later I had to get a job again. So I started to clean in elderly people's homes. No direct contact with other coworkers not much anyway, just with elderly peeps and those people are the best! They have the life experience, the stories, the warmth... and yes, most of them take you for who you are. I am loved by them and I don't have to change who I am.
Until yesterday I thought I was doing wonderfully; yesterday my foreperson wanted to have a chat.
My coworkers couldn't handle the way I was when we had meetings.
Not again, I thought.
We had a long talk in which I explained to her about why I am what I am. Why I am insecure, about the autistic men in my life, about what I have gone through to get where I am now.
But when I got home I really was pissed; What right do they have to talk about me behind my back (in a meeting whilst I had my holiday) when I am nothing but honest with everyone. I have explained to everyone why I can't fill in as much as they do. Why I get seizures sometimes (if my plate is too full) and what is making me me. Besides, don't I have a right to some privacy? Do I have to lay it all on the table for coworkers to understand why I sometimes behave the way I do?
No, they want me to change... And I'm done with changing for others.
I've been through hell and back, I've been through bullying, through death of loved ones, through beeing silenced for two years of my life by my then husband, followed by a divorce and depressions, I live with a partner with autism and a son who denies having it (but does), I have lost friends, I sometimes feel very very alone, and I have to do a lot by myself... This is MY life!
I refuse to change for anyone anymore!
In rough times you tend to overthink things, or at least I do that. Which is not healthy for mind and body. You are constantly thinking about what is going wrong in your life, what could go better or worse compare your life with others.
But is it helpful, does that change your situation? If it cannot be changed why worry over it. Change it or stop the negative thinking, in short let go of the negative feelings and thinking. I'm sure it's much easier said than done. We often are our worst enemies. We have a problem and in our mind we make it much worse than it acctually is. A problem is only a problem if you make it so, when you think it is. Most times it is a lesson to be learned. By wanting to change things you most times need to change yourself first. When we make changes in ourselves, our circumstances change too.
Everything happens for a reason; I am a firm believer of that. Plus nothing will go away before you have learned from it. You can ignore it but it will keep coming back until you have learned. If you don't get what you wanted most times it means it wasn't meant for you and that something else is. That probably something better was on it's way for you.
We have to be grateful and be in the present moment. Enjoy the present, don't live in the past or the future. You can enjoy the little things in life and be grateful for them. How hard you find your life; try to experience joy in your life as well. Try to have a good time once in a while. Enjoy yourself.
Don't compare yourself to others; Yes there are people who have it better but there are also millions of people who have it worse than yourself! You are not a victim, only of your own thoughts and actions. Know that you can overcome your difficulties. Start by changing your thoughts. By changing your mindset you can begin a change in your whole life. Nothing lasts forever, so 'this too shall pass' is not only a saying. It will pass. Trust in that! Believe you can overcome it and work on it.
New Year's resolutions are not for me; I've stopped with those a long time ago. I think if you want to change you can do so every hour of every day. You don't have to wait until the new year to do so. Often those resolutions fail because you really don't want to change anyway. It's expected of you to make changes so you make resolutions.
I started a while back with trying to change my habits. I wasn't happy with how I was feeling. Not only physically but mentally as well. I started eating healthier and with that I'm also feeling better. A few years ago I also started practising Mindfulness. Due to some things in my personal life that influenced the way I was reacting, I let loose of the Mindfulness which I started to feel really. It's not making me happy if I let go of it.
I'm on social media a lot (a thing that makes me happy, with a lot of online friends) but I have found that reacting to negative people (on social media or in real life) doesn't do a lot of good. I need to stop myself before reacting; take a step back, breathe and think 'is it worth the fuss? Is it worth to react to it, to let it get on my nerves?'. If the answer is no (which it usually is) then don't react.
Life is too short to let people get on your nerves. In real life but also on social media. Life's supposed to be enjoyed. You're the one who can change it, the way you react. Do what feels right. Take away all negativity and start with only to allow the positive in and you will start to feel better. I sure am.
Early this morning there was a Super moon and a Blood moon. As my youngest son was determined to watch it, I somehow 'set my biological clock' to it and woke up around 4.30 am. He had already seen it, an orange one, and yes there it was. Hub woke up as well and took a peek at it and we all went back to sleep.
Little did I know that it had such an impact as it is the fourth blood moon in a short time! I could have know, it was brewing for some time now, the changes I've made in my personal life and the unrest I've felt should have told me, but reading this, it all made sense really.
You have probably already started to feel and see these changes in your
own life, perhaps you have even begin to change your behaviours or
attitudes to things. Perhaps you are now also realising that your way of
being is no longer serving you.
I have! I have started to eat more healthy, to take care of my body (and mind?) more, eat less or no meat, no sugar suppliments, no instant food only fress veggies and fruit and lots of nuts. No more snacks and/or crisps as well. Did I forget something? Yes of course I did. I am forgetting my mind... I don't meditate as much as I promised myself I would, I am too restless for it I find. I did start walking some more (with the emphasis on some) but I still have a bad back (back aches).
I sometimes feel like an emotional wreck. Let me put it this way; Last week I was watching Grey's Anatomy; Dr. McDreamy has recently passed away (for those who don't watch this series, you can find it via Google or YouTube to know what I'm talking about) and Meredith (his wife) and Amelia (his sister) were having a hard time dealing with his death. As were the viewers I think, I was... Every time they were talking about it or saying somethink profound I was crying like I wouldn't stop. All my suppressed emotions were surely but slowely coming to the surface. When Meredith said she had to do it all alone; I thought: So do I... When Amelia said; I don't want to feel; I thought: Neither do I... Or when they said; I can't do this: I thought: No, I can't do it either... and the tears came, not only for a dead fake doctor but for me who feels alone with a lovely man who can't help himself most of the time and who is trapped himself in his own emotions.
An example; Yesterday early morning we went walking with our old (almost) 14 year old dog who normally can't walk long distances but we thought we'd try it one more time. She seemed to like it but she's a dog, so she wanted to sniff every tree and stop at every tussock of grass that smelled funny. Of course there were cyclists in the forest. You know those bikes who can go through dirt and sand. So they don't have to stay on the path and ride everywhere and yell from afar; 'Attention!' so you can jump out of the way. We can, but a 14 year old dog can't... Hub was cranky about that and grumbling all the way long about them and to the dog (thankfully she didn't care one way or the other). A lovely Sunday morning walk in nature is being spoilt by an attitude like that I think, so I told him to stop being a drag and shut up about it already! The dog will walk on her own tempo and will come whenever she wants to; it's the forest which is for everyone, not only for those damn cyclists, and he'd either shut up or walk on without us. Enjoy the nature!
He was still mumbling and being whinging but I've always find that I can become calm in nature/the forest. If he wants to be a pain he can do that in his own time, not in mine. It worked I guess cause he stopped being a pain and we had a nice walk after. We saw some gorgeous mushrooms (pics on my other blog later) and after had a nice breakfast at home.
What I'm trying to say with this is; I find it still hard to accept that I do have a partner with autism who can switch his mood like the weather can change (Unexpectedly) and that I'm not always prepared for it. I'm finding it hard that I always feel myself a target or in the middle (with the boys) or maybe I'm not but it's just my feeling I am.
I need to find a balance between my work; my free-time at home, plus my 'duties' as a *coughs* house-wife which I am neglecting a lot at the moment due to my back aches and yes I'm lazy... :D
Also, my work has changed so much that all of my energy is going in there and there's not much left for here... which is not a good feeling.
So yes, change... I need a change. Desperately. I used to hate changes, but change doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing, right?
This is going to be an all women's problem blog, so if you can't take the heat, stay out of the blog in this case... men be warned! On the other hand: maybe it's just a good thing you men read what's going on in our bodies, but maybe that's just me.
When I was 39 my regular periods became very irregular. Very much so that I went to my doctor and asked her if I could be in a very early menopause. She said I was too young for that and that it was probably just stress from my divorce. I just shook my head when I came outside her office and thought 'she's the doctor but she's very wrong!' So she was! The next two years my period stayed very irregular and even became very heavy. So heavy infact that I had a period for 3 months at a time with heavy blood loss! I went to the doctor again because I really couldn't funtion in my daily life like that! I made a test on my computer before I went to see her and ticked all the boxes; Hot-flashes, lack of sleep at night, joint pain, etc. She wanted to test my blood to see if the hormone was in my blood that would prove I'm in menopause and agreed with me that a period 3 months in a row wasn't normal. My blood was normal but she thought I was in pre-menopause and suggested an intra-utrine device for the heavy bleeding.
Five years without any period what so ever! I felt I was in heaven! Only those hot-flashes where hell! Especially in summer. But in winter it was nice.
Last Februari my intra-utrine device had to be replaced but my doctor said I could try if I was over the hump, it had been five years now after all.
I felt pretty good actually, the hot-flashes were much less, even in summer and I really thought I had the worst of it behind me. I'm 48 almost so at it for almost 10 years now! It could be over right?
WRONG! Yesterday when hub and I thought we'd go for a lovely bike ride, I went to the bathroom first to see I had gotten my period again. WHAT? After all that time? Bloody hell! Literally.
My belly started hurting again too! I had some signs beforehand; I had gotten some pimples that I couldn't explain but I never thought... So glad I saved all the stuff for 'you'll never know'.
It's like you have said goodbye to someone you hope you will never ever see again, your done with him/her and you've moved on! You've outgrown them. Only to suddenly be confronted with them again totally unsuspected and it is so unpleasant and painful to be confronted with all that again. Like that.
So if I thought I'd be done with all that, if I thought I was almost out of menopause, I sure have another thing coming... Darn it!
Dear Mother Nature, I'm done! Please stop this mess! Thank you!
The mean reason I wasn't writing a lot on this blog anymore was that every time I did I got some comments I did not like much or no comments at all. The comments I didn't like were quite often from people who didn't understand what I was trying to say. One time someone said to me; 'So what if people aren't responding to your blog? The main reason you're writing is for yourself isn't it?' which is very true!
So this is another atempt of me writing my twisted thoughts. Although; twisted, probably everyone is thinking the same things now and again but they're not writing them down and I am. I need to write. This blog is for me a necessity. I need to write or my head will burst.
So this change of self; First I need/want to write more, not only more about this change but also more stories. Not only fanfiction which I'm writing and poems but also short stories and writing on my 'novel'. I find that difficult somehow; It's in my head but short stories are much easier plus I like to write those more.
What I did to start to change a week ago is quiting the sugar. I mean I was putting sugar in my coffee and I drink lots of coffee. I have a sweet tooth and I just stopped a week ago after I had the flu. I didn't feel happy anymore, I lacked energy, felt restless and bloated, my stomach protested, my liver hurt (yes it felt very painfull if I touched my belly!) and I was so tired all the time. Now I'm eating more fruit (I was such a bad fruit eater) and after a week I can feel the change already. I have more energy, I do more, I'm not bloated anymore and I'm feeling healthier if that is even possible after just one week. Sure I need to lose weight as I'm hugely overweight but that's not the reason why I'm doing this. It's the inner voice that was nagging all the time, (Listening to my body; didn't do that either)and feeling better in my own skin that was the trigger.
Hopefully I can keep this up because boy do we have loads of added sugars in our food!
