I am what I am

All my life people told me the exact oposite of the quote above; I wasn't supposed to speak so loud, not laugh so hard, not be present too much etc etc... I probably have some kind of ADHD but was never tested so people/family everyone put their two cents in to try and mould me into a person they thought was how you should be. Or rather their version of how I should be.

A lot has happened to me along the years, in life I mean. I got bullied over a period of a year or two, three maybe. I was (still am to be honest) a very insecure person. Insecurities are often loud, confidence is silent. People often don't take the time to get to know a person but they do judge them.
When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I always said I wanted to be a mum. I never knew what kind of profession I wanted; A mum was all I wanted to become. My mum did a pretty good job of it, so why couldn't I become one. Because you don't get paid to be one perhaps.

Kids don't judge you, you're their mum, you are the way you are. If you have insecurities they don't see them when they're small and when they're older they do whatever is in their power to help you with them. My boys love me for who I am, they don't mind that I have a loud voice or that I sometimes snap because I am feeling anxious. They know how I am.
So does my family, hub, mum and sis.

But coworkers that's something entirely different. When I met my ex and went to live with him I had to find a job. A job comes with coworkers and they don't always take the time to get to know you or take you as you are. I worked in an office with a lot of other women. When I tell you that working with only women is the worst I'm not telling you anything a lot of other women don't know. Women together can be very gossipy (if that's a word) and spiteful. I don't get that, I'm certainly not like that at all! I've worked in several offices, in shops and realised that was not for me. I couldn't do that for the rest of my life. Being someone who I'm not. Thankfully I got pregnant and my real job began.

But when I got a divorce years later I had to get a job again. So I started to clean in elderly people's homes. No direct contact with other coworkers not much anyway, just with elderly peeps and those people are the best! They have the life experience, the stories, the warmth... and yes, most of them take you for who you are. I am loved by them and I don't have to change who I am.
Until yesterday I thought I was doing wonderfully; yesterday my foreperson wanted to have a chat.
My coworkers couldn't handle the way I was when we had meetings.
Not again, I thought.
We had a long talk in which I explained to her about why I am what I am. Why I am insecure, about the autistic men in my life, about what I have gone through to get where I am now.

But when I got home I really was pissed; What right do they have to talk about me behind my back (in a meeting whilst I had my holiday) when I am nothing but honest with everyone. I have explained to everyone why I can't fill in as much as they do. Why I get seizures sometimes (if my plate is too full) and what is making me me. Besides, don't I have a right to some privacy? Do I have to lay it all on the table for coworkers to understand why I sometimes behave the way I do?
No, they want me to change... And I'm done with changing for others.

I've been through hell and back, I've been through bullying, through death of loved ones, through beeing silenced for two years of my life by my then husband, followed by a divorce and depressions, I live with a partner with autism and a son who denies having it (but does), I have lost friends, I sometimes feel very very alone, and I have to do a lot by myself... This is MY life!
I refuse to change for anyone anymore!

I am who I am, take it or leave it!



© KH

Stay weird, Stay different

The above strong message was given in an Oscar acceptance speech by Graham Moore who won an Oscar last Sunday for best adapted screenplay. He wrote the screenplay for the Imitation Game. It was a heartfelt speech which stayed with me. Not only because it was the one Oscar for a film that needed more recognition in my eyes, but because there are so many people in the world who are struggling with being different, and who are being labled 'weird'.

In schools these days teachers can't cope with all the kids who are different. They need children who can walk in the same pace. Or even better; children who are better at achieving something. The better you are in achieving the better it is in the schools these days. At least here in the Netherlands it is my experience.
My sons always were normal children, until they had to perform in school. Had to is the right word here because teachers weren't looking at what a kid can do, kids were pushed to perform and do the same things as the average kids. But what if your kid isn't average? What if you are different? If you are they want to label you. In my youngest son's case they needed to test him and he got the label: Mild autism with ADHD.

But what if you have a label? Does that help the child to develop better? Be a better person or a quicker study? Well no because if you have that label it only means you are 'weird' and difficult, or different and because we live in a society that thrives on achieving we can't deal with being different, or being weird. So they start to neglect and exclude the weird and different children. Simply because they wanted them labeled. (Which leads to bullying but that's a different topic entirely) What if they hadn't labeled them? Would they still be different and weird? Probably, only without the stigma of the label! My son hates his label! He recently turned 18 and now says he doesn't have what they diagnosed him with. He's better than his label, he's more than his label, he is his own personality.

 Benedict Cumberbatch as Alan Turing in the Imitation Game

As long as I can remember I was being told not to talk so loud, not to laugh so hard, to pay attention more. My teachers said to my parents I was seeing every bird on every branch.
(I think I still do) 
Yes I think I do have that label as well, only I was never tested. Am I different? Am I weird? I probably am but does that bother me? Not in the slightest, I like being different.
Is being different so very difficult for a teacher? It probably is more work but why should it? When our parents were children there were no labels and no one was talking about how hard it was to have all those different children in one classroom. They were just children without labels.
Why do we live in a society that concerns themselves so much about how people are? Live and let live I always say! Maybe with a tiny bit more attention the weird and different people will thrive more then the 'normal'  people ever will! Or maybe we should just stop labeling people. Stop focusing on the performing but pay more attention on the qualities that each and every child possesses.
It would be a much brighter world.

© KH