Acceptance means change

It's that time of year again when you 'have' to walk outside with nothing more on your body than shorts and a shirt or top. It's so hot that I'd rather stay inside (and hide) but I still have to work. In winter I can hide my body which to be honest, has grown to a size I have never had before and that's saying something. Acceptance is key here but that is hard to do. I don't like it at all but how to get rid of all that what you have built almost a lifetime to grow on you body in the first place. It is in the way, it is even hotter in this weather, it is unbecomming and frankly I really hate it! Whenever I look in the mirror I loathe myself.

When I look in a mirror I don't see the stretch marks anymore, no I see that belly, those thighs that weren't that big before, that bum that doesn't fit in some of my pants all of a sudden. I just can't understand how this is happening and why I let it get to this! I know some of it is due to my meds, and some of it is due to menopause but I must have done a lot of it myself as well (no exercize might be one of them)
I like to cover things up in baggy outfits but let's be honest, who wants to walk around in a tent all day? You look twice the size you actually have!

I don't want to have a skinny body mind you. I just want to feel good again. I don't want to have hip pains and back pains. I want to move around normally and not be tired. I don't want that belly to be in the way of my everyday activities. That probably means I have to start working out. I hate going to a gym where all those muscle boys are flexing in front of mirrors or those skinny girls are panting. But saying to myself I will go hiking ,and then staying home sitting on my sofa, won't do anymore either. I have to motivate myself somehow. I musn't rely on others who tell me they will join me (hub) and then don't want to go. I must do this myself and for me and no one else.

Furthermore; ( and I know this 'theme' has come up in my blogs so many times but apparently it's still a thing) I must believe in myself again, I must love myself again. I must not speak (or think) negatively to myself anymore. Because accepting your body, no matter the size means that you CAN begin to change. But it all begins with acceptance. I can’t hate and criticize my body to create lasting change. It just doesn’t work. I must start with meditation again, live more mindful again and not see food as the answer to everything, even though it is not as bad as it was I must admit. I used to be an emotiol eater when I was still married more than 12 years ago or so, but I'm not now, at least I don't think I am. It's now more that both hub and I just eat things because we crave it and that's not good. I know I feel better when I eat healthier. Of course I will still crave chocolat then, but I won't feel like crap!

I have tried many times before. I hope I have the confidence in myself to begin again and to keep up.

© KH

Thanks to Jenn Hand for giving me the inspiration/motivation for this article

Becoming the real you

Everyone knows it probably or has experienced it; other people always know best how you should be, or should live your life or should behave etc. So have I in my life; people always know better how I should be, what I should say or not, or how I should look. Be careful, what will others think of you? Well, I've finally come to a point in my life that I really don't care anymore what others think of me. If I ever did. I have stopped a long time ago to listen to the negative people who not always have your best interest in mind. Almost never actually. Only you know what is best for you.

The one thing that was bothering me was me being overweight and having low energy all the time. I started eating more healthy but still it didn't help. Until one day I walked into a shop where they sell homeopathic stuff and I just out of the blue (even surprised myself) to the sales-girl if she had something that could help me lose some weight and still being healthy. She recomended green tea pills to help burn fat easily and drink only pure green tea. I started doing that and felt better after a few days. Of course I missed my coffee as I am a lover of the stuff but I saw what it did to my skin alone! I started changing my daily meals, less meat (hardly any) more nuts and mushrooms and beans and rice or quinoa and more green veggies and fruit.
I had a painful, sore spot under my ribs on the left for a long time, and even that is gone now I've noticed, just from eating differently and just watching what you eat! 

Then I came across a book by Tara Stiles 'Make your own rules diet' (in Dutch 'Powerfood, Yoga en Meditatie' ) and what she writes is hitting so close to home! She is saying everything I am saying for so long! Dieting doesn't work (been there done that), you just have to do what feels good for you, listen to yourself more (when did I stop doing that?)and you need to move (you can't sit on your ass all day, which of course I love to do, writing all day after work).
She even encluded recipes which are easy to make and give you all you need. (and make my mouth water)

I even like my green tea better now than when I drink coffee and that's saying something!
I know I still have a (very) long way to go, but I'm glad I'm doing it and thanks to Tara I'm in the mood to get moving again and eating even more healthy.

© KH

Change of self

The mean reason I wasn't writing a lot on this blog anymore was that every time I did I got some comments I did not like much or no comments at all. The comments I didn't like were quite often from people who didn't understand what I was trying to say.
One time someone said to me; 'So what if people aren't responding to your blog? The main reason you're writing is for yourself isn't it?' which is very true!

So this is another atempt of me writing my twisted thoughts. Although; twisted, probably everyone is thinking the same things now and again but they're not writing them down and I am. I need to write. This blog is for me a necessity. I need to write or my head will burst.

So this change of self; First I need/want to write more, not only more about this change but also more stories. Not only fanfiction which I'm writing and poems but also short stories and writing on my 'novel'. I find that difficult somehow; It's in my head but short stories are much easier plus I like to write those more.

What I did to start to change a week ago is quiting the sugar. I mean I was putting sugar in my coffee and I drink lots of coffee. I have a sweet tooth and I just stopped a week ago after I had the flu. I didn't feel happy anymore, I lacked energy, felt restless and bloated, my stomach protested, my liver hurt (yes it felt very painfull if I touched my belly!) and I was so tired all the time. Now I'm eating more fruit (I was such a bad fruit eater) and after a week I can feel the change already. I have more energy, I do more, I'm not bloated anymore and I'm feeling healthier if that is even possible after just one week. Sure I need to lose weight as I'm hugely overweight but that's not the reason why I'm doing this. It's the inner voice that was nagging all the time, (Listening to my body; didn't do that either)and feeling better in my own skin that was the trigger.

Hopefully I can keep this up because boy do we have loads of added sugars in our food!

Here are some informative articles about hidden sugars and added sugars.

© KH