Stress

 

Een week of twee geleden hadden wij een verstopping. Niet alleen was de afvoer verstopt maar door die verstopping, stond ook ineens de keuken om, voor ons toen, onbekende oorzaak blank. Wij haalden er een ontstoppingsbedrijf bij die nog eens lekker de leidingen doorspoot waardoor er in de keuken nog meer water kwam te staan. Manlief ging eens op zoek naar waar dat water vandaan moest komen, en kwam tot de ontdekking dat er een oude afvoer onder de keukenkastjes zat, die niet afgedopt was. Dus daar kwam dat water vandaan!

De verstopping was verholpen, de afvoer werd afgedopt, maar de vloer was naar de gallemiezen. We hebben een bouwdroger moeten huren om de hele boel enigszins droog te krijgen. Maar er moet een nieuwe vloer in. Gelukkig krijgen we waarschijnlijk een hoop, zo niet alles, vergoed van de verzekering, maar ja, het wordt wel een heel gedoe! Wat doe ik met mijn spullen, mijn boekenkast! Kortom, de stress sloeg toe. En van stress/me druk maken, krijg ik epilepsie aanvalletjes. Wat dus ook niet lang duurde of ik kreeg ze. 

De vloerenman kwam om de schade op te nemen en hij nam gelijk een hoop stress weg. De boekenkast kan gewoon blijven staan. Maar toen bedachten we ons, dat we het beste ook maar meteen alles konden laten schilderen. We deden het altijd zelf maar ja, dat zie je ook wel. Laten we nu maar eens een keer een echte professionele schilder het laten doen. Die zei dat de kamer leeg moet, als ze dan toch de vloer gaan doen… Dan komt hij wel schilderen. Hup, stress. Waar laat je de zooi?

Ik zou toch willen dat ik eens wat minder snel stress kreeg. Gewoon, go with the flow. Het moet toch, dus laat het dan gewoon gebeuren. Dan zijn we er weer voor 20 jaar minstens van af! Volgend jaar weet ik zeker dat ik denk: waarom liep ik ook weer te stressen? Als ik dan in mijn opgeknapte huis zit. 

© KH

Social media break

Lately I haven't felt all that good, not comfortable in my skin, anxious I've wrote it all down the other day on my blog on menopausal crankiness .
I have snapped at people, online as to  my loved ones, and I was thinking; I always feel I 'have' to do things. I stopped with the 'you have to' bit years ago but not on social media. I'm on various parts of social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr, you name it. You check in several times a day to see what's new and there hardly ever is anything new. Just the same old same old. People ranting about the crappy weather, which you like but they don't seem to get, people complaining all the time, people judging other people without even trying to understand their perspective. Of course there is some good things; I've met most all my friends online, I even met my hub online. But.... you seem to 'have to' like everything, respond to everything, 'heart' everything, react to everything. I make a lot of edits everyday. I really like Benedict Cumberbatch but not that much. I was so done with it all, no I am done with it all. I have over 3000 followers on Twitter! It's not that I don't appreaciate those people who seem to like what I do or say, I do! But I can't keep up.

My head was at the verge of exploding so it seemed. I had to take a break from it all. So yesterday I told every social media site I'm taking a social media break.
But now I have a dilemma; Is blogging social media and if it is does that mean I can't write my thoughts here anymore? If I can't write I'll explode! Maybe it's only social if people can respond to it and I should turn the comment section off?
I do feel the need to write every now and again if I feel the need so I can vent my thoughts to someone. To myself mostly. But I also still love making quotes so I might still continue with those. I will listen more to music so perhaps more new music on Sunday blogs to come.. who knows?

Sometimes I write in the hope I learn from it; something that makes me see how wrong I was or how I need to change things. I know I can do that in a personal journal too but this is essentially why I made this blog in the first place; to learn from it, from myself and maybe others can too. I know that my partner with autism blog has helped a lot of women and still does! So maybe there's no harm in writing every now and again still. It will be a big challenge for me as it is to not pick up my phone and check Twitter or Facebook every half hour.

But I'm also looking forward to doing other things again; reading more, writing more, walking, *cleaning my house says* , drawing even which I neglected a lot. Just things I did before social media even was invented. Things I did before I was sitting behind my laptop all afternoon srolling senseless reading stuff and thinking 'what on earth have I done anyway the past two hours?' You waste your life away with your phone in hand at every step you make in life. The first thing you do in the morning? Picking up your phone to see what has happened.... It's not normal now is it!

Well let's just hope I will survive this rehab and can detox a bit.
Writing a blog once in a while isn't the worst of things.

© KH

Bears on the road again

“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems” ― Epictetus

You are seeing bears on the road. This Dutch saying means that you only see obstacles instead of seeing the possibilities.
I am a person who gets, or as I thought got, quite anxious about the weirdest things. Or as I like to say: I see bears on my road where there are none. Instead of seeing the road or a way around the bears I see only the bears and start to panic and feel anxious. All personal growth takes a hold when this starts to happen of course. It's not wise to let the bears take over; it's  much wiser to stay calm and follow your intuition, but that's not always easy. In order to see the road you must know where you are heading, where you want to go and what your goal is.

I know I am a person that if something happens in my life I act immediately without thinking. Sometimes to hasty and afterwards I think; I should have done this or that or said this or that or thought about it longer before saying anything at all. Then the worrying really kicks in. What will the other person do now? Will he or she be angry or have I made a bad situation worse? Even though I was right?

All his life I have fought for my youngest son who has a mild case of autism. When he was younger and a lot of teacher in school didn't understand what he autism was or how they should act I fought that they would understand him and treat him correctly. Even now when he is learning to be a cook his mentor at school isn't understanding him. He has told me son needs to be more enthousiastic but as most people know, not all autistic people can do that, it's not their nature. Son loves this trade but you can't see it on his face. We had all kind of talks about this, but the man just doesn't understand. Now when it's summer holiday, I got an email from my ex (while we don't even have any contact what so ever) where he's complaining that the mentor said the parents never had any contact with school and that son isn't right for the trade. And there they were again; the bears. Surely but slowly they came walking up that road where I had so carefully shoved them off a while back.
I ignored my ex (an ex is an ex for a reason after all) and I emailed the mentor very politely but with hidden anger.

The bears are still there, now for every stupid thing I think of. I have 2 weeks off myself and we're not going away but maybe doing odd jobs around the house. But the bears are taunting me. Really? Should you? But what if... and if you... and and and...
It's so damn annoying! I really want them to go away again and this time permanently.
So I'm trying to relax and breathe and let go.
Ksh, go away bears into the woods where you belong!

© KH

Fighting your own battle and comparing your life

Today is a National Day of Mourning in our country for the victims and their loved ones of flight MH17.
It's a terrible thing that has happenend there and lots of lives lost for no reason what so ever.

You can't compare grief, hurt, pain. But still, I tend to look at other people's lives and think; What right do I have to cry and feel sad about my own live while there is so much hurt and pain in the world. Not to mention lives lost in a senseless act of violence.
And I'm sitting here in my little corner of the world crying my eyes out because I feel I have it bad with my partner with autism. 'my partner doesn't understand me' 'I made lots of bad turns in life and wrong dissisions and now I feel hurt' booh hoo hoo... what gives me the right to cry and feel bad while a mother, a wife, a child.. doesn't see her child, husband, parents, ever again?!

You can't compare hurt or pain. Every life is different. Everyone is fighting their own battle in life. This is mine apparently. As long as I don't come to terms with my partner's autism, how to deal with that, I keep on hurting. I musn't let that hurt me. I get stressed and from that stress I get epileptic seizures, small ones thank god but still, I get them. So why do I keep doing that to myself every time, over and over? I really don't know!
When I was married to my first husband who was a bit of a narcissist I was stressed all the time. It felt like there was a stone on my stomach the whole time from the stress. The moment I decided to divorce him the stone dissolved.
I don't have a stone now, but I do have other strange physical complaints. My doctor says it's stress related. Plus those damn epileptic seizures are back.
If I want it all to go away I do have to relax more, accept what needs to be accepted and face my own battles instead of running from them and hiding all the time. But it gets to damn hard to be the strong one always. You can't compare your live to the live of other people but having a partner with autism it's just hard not too.

To be fair: I am always really hard on myself. I just have to stop looking at other people's lives, stop comparing, stop blaming myself of the 'could haves, would haves, should haves' and work on being in the present moment. I like myself a whole lot better being more 'Zen' and being able to practice mindfulness so I have to do that.
No I'm going to do that... scraping the 'have to' as well...
Of course I do hope my hub is willing to work on himself more but I'm going to start on myself first. And no more comparing.

For the family and friends of flight MH17; my thoughts are with you and may you find strenght during this difficult time.

© KH

Stress

To follow up on my last blog about Anxiety here the outcome of my visit to the doctor this morning:

After describing my complaints the doctor asked me: how are things at home? And yep, there they where, the tears I held back so long came flooding.. Almost wanted to curse but one doesn't do that at a doctor's office.
That my hub is muttering in himself constantly, that he's cursing in himself about almost everything and everyone, that he gets annoyed by us all but mostly at himself, that the kids hear his muttering, that I feel like walking on eggshells, or feel like it's all on me, on my shoulders all the time! But Stress doctor? You don't say! Really?

The doc examined my stomach anyway to be sure. No nothing there that shouldn't be there. Thankfully! But still, those chestpains tell you something don't they? Yes stress! Do you want to talk to a psychologist? Well, no! Now I know what it is, I know how to deal with it, I think anyway. But, the doc said, you don't get to ignore it now! You never come to see me anyway, but now you have you really have to do something about it. I sat there all teary eyed and nodded. Yes, I really have to don't I. I always ignore these things, put them aside, I'll deal with them later. But then I never do. Don't cry, put it away and now, now I have stress... Go figure.

I'm good at that: Putting away my emotions. When my dad died, I put them away, I felt I needed to be there for my mum and sis. I cried about him in my own time, when I was alone. When I thought about gettting a divorce and worried about that all the time, no one noticed anything about me, I cried when I was alone and was my cheerful self when everyone was around again. Same with my divorce. Or with all the things with my child with autism and now my hub with his autism. All the promises made by him to work on himself, to become a person who doesn't feel the need to curse or mutter every second of the day, to seek help with his problems and to work on our relationship never work out. Where did I hear that all before, ah yes my first marriage... promises promises.
It's so damn hard and I put everything away under lock and key. I'll deal with it sometime when it suits me. Which it never will of course.
And I know deep down he can't help it! Of course he can't help it that he's got autism. There are all kinds and he just can't handle his very well, like my son can handle his. I understand it's hard on him, I know. But then again, my inner self cries, what about me? 

Ah yes doc no stress, by the way, I really thought you would drag my obesity into it right away. The doc looks at me with a funny look: Why would I? he asks me. I don't know you any other way than this way. Does a diet help you or would it add more stress? Did you have these stomach problems before? No you didn't so why would they be obese related? You know yourself you have that, you know what's bothering you and you know what and if anything, you can do about it. What will help relieve your stress however is walking outside! A walk in fresh air will putt thing in perspective. It helps you gather your thoughts. (Of course I knew that but tend to ignore as with all things)
Try and hold on to this: You never visit me, doc said, but try and come back to me if you don't cope. Don't wait to long. Wise man, doc!

I know what's the matter, I know where the stress is coming from. It's that man I fell for all those years ago: That man with the gorgeous baby blues and I thought: This man must be it: My soulmate. I could feel it back then. But that feeling has gone ever since he moved in. He couldn't cope with his autism with 2 teens with a pretty chaotic household. And to be frank, after 7 years he still can't! But he can't live without us anymore either! Every single thing bothers him, frustrates him, and that's something that's adding up to my stress level. Should I let it? Hell no I shouldn't! But still I do. And my chest hurts even while writing it all down. It hurts from all the stress. And that's just plain stupid!

Sometimes I just feel like I can't breathe, like I'm suffocating. I feel like crying and when I finally do, someone comes into the room and I'll push it all away again. How stupid can you be?
I know what to do, but I don't do it. I take care of everyone else but not enough of myself. I always think it's me. It must be me. But this time, it's not me. I'm sure it's not. I try, keep on trying everything. But I feel it in my painful chest, it doesn't work anymore. It just takes two. Always. I knew it with my first hub, I know it now. Hub wants to change I know he does, but maybe not enough to actually take action. Now he has to, what if the stress builds up to a depression or burn out. What then? I was not planning on finding that out! Hub has to work on himself and/or seek help, or it can go the wrong way with me, really wrong!
My body gave me a warning this time, thankfully I listened.
This time around. But maybe there won't be a next time.
You always have to listen to your body and mine says: stop it right now!

© KH

Normally I have an art blog on Friday, to compensate that I have pasted 3 paintings of emotions in between the text.