Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Fighting your own battle and comparing your life

Today is a National Day of Mourning in our country for the victims and their loved ones of flight MH17.
It's a terrible thing that has happenend there and lots of lives lost for no reason what so ever.

You can't compare grief, hurt, pain. But still, I tend to look at other people's lives and think; What right do I have to cry and feel sad about my own live while there is so much hurt and pain in the world. Not to mention lives lost in a senseless act of violence.
And I'm sitting here in my little corner of the world crying my eyes out because I feel I have it bad with my partner with autism. 'my partner doesn't understand me' 'I made lots of bad turns in life and wrong dissisions and now I feel hurt' booh hoo hoo... what gives me the right to cry and feel bad while a mother, a wife, a child.. doesn't see her child, husband, parents, ever again?!

You can't compare hurt or pain. Every life is different. Everyone is fighting their own battle in life. This is mine apparently. As long as I don't come to terms with my partner's autism, how to deal with that, I keep on hurting. I musn't let that hurt me. I get stressed and from that stress I get epileptic seizures, small ones thank god but still, I get them. So why do I keep doing that to myself every time, over and over? I really don't know!
When I was married to my first husband who was a bit of a narcissist I was stressed all the time. It felt like there was a stone on my stomach the whole time from the stress. The moment I decided to divorce him the stone dissolved.
I don't have a stone now, but I do have other strange physical complaints. My doctor says it's stress related. Plus those damn epileptic seizures are back.
If I want it all to go away I do have to relax more, accept what needs to be accepted and face my own battles instead of running from them and hiding all the time. But it gets to damn hard to be the strong one always. You can't compare your live to the live of other people but having a partner with autism it's just hard not too.

To be fair: I am always really hard on myself. I just have to stop looking at other people's lives, stop comparing, stop blaming myself of the 'could haves, would haves, should haves' and work on being in the present moment. I like myself a whole lot better being more 'Zen' and being able to practice mindfulness so I have to do that.
No I'm going to do that... scraping the 'have to' as well...
Of course I do hope my hub is willing to work on himself more but I'm going to start on myself first. And no more comparing.

For the family and friends of flight MH17; my thoughts are with you and may you find strenght during this difficult time.

© KH


MarjaK said...

Nee, je kunt zeker geen pijn en verdriet vergelijken. Ik weet wat je bedoelt, ik ben getrouwd met een man met een heleboel autistische kenmerken en ik was ook op. Ik ben wel een week weggegaan, van de ene dag op de andere, zonder verder overleg met hem, wel een mededeling, en heb de tijd gebruikt om voor mezelf eens wat dingen op een rijtje te zetten.
De komende tijd wordt er niet aan "ons" gewerkt, maar aan mij. Ik was mezelf gewoon kwijt en wil door de gesprekken met een counselor weer terugvinden, wat in de loop van ons huwelijk is verdwenen. En dat voelt goed voor mij. Ik kan niet leren hoe om te gaan met de situatie, als ik zelf niet eens meer weet wie ik ben. Hij is het er gelukkig mee eens, en ziet ook wel de problemen waar we tegenaan lopen, maar ja, verandering is zeer moeilijk.
Sterkte met alles!

Kati H said...

Dank je wel, zeer herkenbaar allemaal. jij ook sterkte!
X Kati

Therese509 said...

First of all what you wrote about the friends and families of the victims was so beautiful and made my eyes water.
It's all so tragic & indeed without reason.

I compare myself to others too sometimes even though I know I shouldn't. Perspective is good but not comparing...
The 'mindfulness' was inspiring!
I've read a book on positive thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. Maybe it's not the same but still it's about working on yourself. It's not easy but important. I'd say we've all got things we wanna get better at. I've considered myself a pretty positive person before reading this book but when I do get down it hits me hard. The reason I read it was I'd like to minimalize the 'rut'... Hope mindfulness releases some of your stress ❤️

Kati H said...

Thank you for reading T and I will try and find that book. I always thought I was a positive person as well but sometimes things happen in your life and you put it all away and then one day it gets too much, I guess. Thanks! <3 xxx

Therese509 said...

No problem always love your blogposts and this one spoke to me. I think you should. It's called "Why Some Positive Thinkers Get Powerful Results". I'm not a religious person, a lot of this book was. But once I looked beyond the faith I enjoyed it.
I get that. Life sure is a roller coaster! Like I said sweetie really hope the mindfulness helps 😘

Kati H said...

Thanks again T I will loom for that book ❤️

Daan (Dan) said...

think a lot of folks lose the plot of their own lives cos we're encouraged to compare ourselves to others all the time in other senses... am i doing as well as i should compared to such and such, is my car not too old/rusty? what will the neighbours/my parents/my friends think? are my kids doing well at school, are they at the right level compared to the National Average {the fuck?!} ...

it's so important to go back to your Self, like Marja said in the first post... most of us have lost the plot of our own lives a long time ago, comparing what we have {or don't have...} all the time...

let it go, find your own voice, your own boundaries, stick to them... if not now, when?!