Wednesday, 23 July 2014
Fighting your own battle and comparing your life
Today is a National Day of Mourning in our country for the victims and their loved ones of flight MH17.
It's a terrible thing that has happenend there and lots of lives lost for no reason what so ever.
You can't compare grief, hurt, pain. But still, I tend to look at other people's lives and think; What right do I have to cry and feel sad about my own live while there is so much hurt and pain in the world. Not to mention lives lost in a senseless act of violence.
And I'm sitting here in my little corner of the world crying my eyes out because I feel I have it bad with my partner with autism. 'my partner doesn't understand me' 'I made lots of bad turns in life and wrong dissisions and now I feel hurt' booh hoo hoo... what gives me the right to cry and feel bad while a mother, a wife, a child.. doesn't see her child, husband, parents, ever again?!
You can't compare hurt or pain. Every life is different. Everyone is fighting their own battle in life. This is mine apparently. As long as I don't come to terms with my partner's autism, how to deal with that, I keep on hurting. I musn't let that hurt me. I get stressed and from that stress I get epileptic seizures, small ones thank god but still, I get them. So why do I keep doing that to myself every time, over and over? I really don't know!
When I was married to my first husband who was a bit of a narcissist I was stressed all the time. It felt like there was a stone on my stomach the whole time from the stress. The moment I decided to divorce him the stone dissolved.
I don't have a stone now, but I do have other strange physical complaints. My doctor says it's stress related. Plus those damn epileptic seizures are back.
If I want it all to go away I do have to relax more, accept what needs to be accepted and face my own battles instead of running from them and hiding all the time. But it gets to damn hard to be the strong one always. You can't compare your live to the live of other people but having a partner with autism it's just hard not too.
To be fair: I am always really hard on myself. I just have to stop looking at other people's lives, stop comparing, stop blaming myself of the 'could haves, would haves, should haves' and work on being in the present moment. I like myself a whole lot better being more 'Zen' and being able to practice mindfulness so I have to do that.
No I'm going to do that... scraping the 'have to' as well...
Of course I do hope my hub is willing to work on himself more but I'm going to start on myself first. And no more comparing.
For the family and friends of flight MH17; my thoughts are with you and may you find strenght during this difficult time.