To follow up on my last blog about Anxiety here the outcome of my visit to the doctor this morning:
After describing my complaints the doctor asked me: how are things at home? And yep, there they where, the tears I held back so long came flooding.. Almost wanted to curse but one doesn't do that at a doctor's office.
That my hub is muttering in himself constantly, that he's cursing in himself about almost everything and everyone, that he gets annoyed by us all but mostly at himself, that the kids hear his muttering, that I feel like walking on eggshells, or feel like it's all on me, on my shoulders all the time! But Stress doctor? You don't say! Really?
The doc examined my stomach anyway to be sure. No nothing there that shouldn't be there. Thankfully! But still, those chestpains tell you something don't they? Yes stress! Do you want to talk to a psychologist? Well, no! Now I know what it is, I know how to deal with it, I think anyway. But, the doc said, you don't get to ignore it now! You never come to see me anyway, but now you have you really have to do something about it. I sat there all teary eyed and nodded. Yes, I really have to don't I. I always ignore these things, put them aside, I'll deal with them later. But then I never do. Don't cry, put it away and now, now I have stress... Go figure.
I'm good at that: Putting away my emotions. When my dad died, I put them away, I felt I needed to be there for my mum and sis. I cried about him in my own time, when I was alone. When I thought about gettting a divorce and worried about that all the time, no one noticed anything about me, I cried when I was alone and was my cheerful self when everyone was around again. Same with my divorce. Or with all the things with my child with autism and now my hub with his autism. All the promises made by him to work on himself, to become a person who doesn't feel the need to curse or mutter every second of the day, to seek help with his problems and to work on our relationship never work out. Where did I hear that all before, ah yes my first marriage... promises promises.
It's so damn hard and I put everything away under lock and key. I'll deal with it sometime when it suits me. Which it never will of course.
And I know deep down he can't help it! Of course he can't help it that he's got autism. There are all kinds and he just can't handle his very well, like my son can handle his. I understand it's hard on him, I know. But then again, my inner self cries, what about me?
Ah yes doc no stress, by the way, I really thought you would drag my obesity into it right away. The doc looks at me with a funny look: Why would I? he asks me. I don't know you any other way than this way. Does a diet help you or would it add more stress? Did you have these stomach problems before? No you didn't so why would they be obese related? You know yourself you have that, you know what's bothering you and you know what and if anything, you can do about it. What will help relieve your stress however is walking outside! A walk in fresh air will putt thing in perspective. It helps you gather your thoughts. (Of course I knew that but tend to ignore as with all things)
Try and hold on to this: You never visit me, doc said, but try and come back to me if you don't cope. Don't wait to long. Wise man, doc!
I know what's the matter, I know where the stress is coming from. It's that man I fell for all those years ago: That man with the gorgeous baby blues and I thought: This man must be it: My soulmate. I could feel it back then. But that feeling has gone ever since he moved in. He couldn't cope with his autism with 2 teens with a pretty chaotic household. And to be frank, after 7 years he still can't! But he can't live without us anymore either! Every single thing bothers him, frustrates him, and that's something that's adding up to my stress level. Should I let it? Hell no I shouldn't! But still I do. And my chest hurts even while writing it all down. It hurts from all the stress. And that's just plain stupid!
Sometimes I just feel like I can't breathe, like I'm suffocating. I feel like crying and when I finally do, someone comes into the room and I'll push it all away again. How stupid can you be?
I know what to do, but I don't do it. I take care of everyone else but not enough of myself. I always think it's me. It must be me. But this time, it's not me. I'm sure it's not. I try, keep on trying everything. But I feel it in my painful chest, it doesn't work anymore. It just takes two. Always. I knew it with my first hub, I know it now. Hub wants to change I know he does, but maybe not enough to actually take action. Now he has to, what if the stress builds up to a depression or burn out. What then? I was not planning on finding that out! Hub has to work on himself and/or seek help, or it can go the wrong way with me, really wrong!
My body gave me a warning this time, thankfully I listened.
This time around. But maybe there won't be a next time.
You always have to listen to your body and mine says: stop it right now!
Normally I have an art blog on Friday, to compensate that I have pasted 3 paintings of emotions in between the text.