Wednesday, 30 May 2018

Acceptance means change

It's that time of year again when you 'have' to walk outside with nothing more on your body than shorts and a shirt or top. It's so hot that I'd rather stay inside (and hide) but I still have to work. In winter I can hide my body which to be honest, has grown to a size I have never had before and that's saying something. Acceptance is key here but that is hard to do. I don't like it at all but how to get rid of all that what you have built almost a lifetime to grow on you body in the first place. It is in the way, it is even hotter in this weather, it is unbecomming and frankly I really hate it! Whenever I look in the mirror I loathe myself.

When I look in a mirror I don't see the stretch marks anymore, no I see that belly, those thighs that weren't that big before, that bum that doesn't fit in some of my pants all of a sudden. I just can't understand how this is happening and why I let it get to this! I know some of it is due to my meds, and some of it is due to menopause but I must have done a lot of it myself as well (no exercize might be one of them)
I like to cover things up in baggy outfits but let's be honest, who wants to walk around in a tent all day? You look twice the size you actually have!

I don't want to have a skinny body mind you. I just want to feel good again. I don't want to have hip pains and back pains. I want to move around normally and not be tired. I don't want that belly to be in the way of my everyday activities. That probably means I have to start working out. I hate going to a gym where all those muscle boys are flexing in front of mirrors or those skinny girls are panting. But saying to myself I will go hiking ,and then staying home sitting on my sofa, won't do anymore either. I have to motivate myself somehow. I musn't rely on others who tell me they will join me (hub) and then don't want to go. I must do this myself and for me and no one else.

Furthermore; ( and I know this 'theme' has come up in my blogs so many times but apparently it's still a thing) I must believe in myself again, I must love myself again. I must not speak (or think) negatively to myself anymore. Because accepting your body, no matter the size means that you CAN begin to change. But it all begins with acceptance. I can’t hate and criticize my body to create lasting change. It just doesn’t work. I must start with meditation again, live more mindful again and not see food as the answer to everything, even though it is not as bad as it was I must admit. I used to be an emotiol eater when I was still married more than 12 years ago or so, but I'm not now, at least I don't think I am. It's now more that both hub and I just eat things because we crave it and that's not good. I know I feel better when I eat healthier. Of course I will still crave chocolat then, but I won't feel like crap!

I have tried many times before. I hope I have the confidence in myself to begin again and to keep up.

© KH

Thanks to Jenn Hand for giving me the inspiration/motivation for this article

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