Monday, 27 June 2016

Social media break

Lately I haven't felt all that good, not comfortable in my skin, anxious I've wrote it all down the other day on my blog on menopausal crankiness .
I have snapped at people, online as to  my loved ones, and I was thinking; I always feel I 'have' to do things. I stopped with the 'you have to' bit years ago but not on social media. I'm on various parts of social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr, you name it. You check in several times a day to see what's new and there hardly ever is anything new. Just the same old same old. People ranting about the crappy weather, which you like but they don't seem to get, people complaining all the time, people judging other people without even trying to understand their perspective. Of course there is some good things; I've met most all my friends online, I even met my hub online. But.... you seem to 'have to' like everything, respond to everything, 'heart' everything, react to everything. I make a lot of edits everyday. I really like Benedict Cumberbatch but not that much. I was so done with it all, no I am done with it all. I have over 3000 followers on Twitter! It's not that I don't appreaciate those people who seem to like what I do or say, I do! But I can't keep up.

My head was at the verge of exploding so it seemed. I had to take a break from it all. So yesterday I told every social media site I'm taking a social media break.
But now I have a dilemma; Is blogging social media and if it is does that mean I can't write my thoughts here anymore? If I can't write I'll explode! Maybe it's only social if people can respond to it and I should turn the comment section off?
I do feel the need to write every now and again if I feel the need so I can vent my thoughts to someone. To myself mostly. But I also still love making quotes so I might still continue with those. I will listen more to music so perhaps more new music on Sunday blogs to come.. who knows?

Sometimes I write in the hope I learn from it; something that makes me see how wrong I was or how I need to change things. I know I can do that in a personal journal too but this is essentially why I made this blog in the first place; to learn from it, from myself and maybe others can too. I know that my partner with autism blog has helped a lot of women and still does! So maybe there's no harm in writing every now and again still. It will be a big challenge for me as it is to not pick up my phone and check Twitter or Facebook every half hour.

But I'm also looking forward to doing other things again; reading more, writing more, walking, *cleaning my house says* , drawing even which I neglected a lot. Just things I did before social media even was invented. Things I did before I was sitting behind my laptop all afternoon srolling senseless reading stuff and thinking 'what on earth have I done anyway the past two hours?' You waste your life away with your phone in hand at every step you make in life. The first thing you do in the morning? Picking up your phone to see what has happened.... It's not normal now is it!

Well let's just hope I will survive this rehab and can detox a bit.
Writing a blog once in a while isn't the worst of things.

© KH

Sunday, 26 June 2016

Music on Sunday; Brexit - say it with a song

Well, it's done, finished... We were all afraid of it and they've done it. Brexit is a fact. Some now say they were misinformed but in this day and age you can get informed yourself if you are willing.
My favourite country in the whole world didn't want out, they wanted in. Scotland is now even considering another referendum on getting their independance again. Good for them!

So today songs about leaving, going and all that. About what I thought was appropriate for this sad decision they made.

Say it with a song;

And for the people who are wanting to leave;

Hopefully it won't all end up in this;

© KH

Wednesday, 22 June 2016

Menopausal crankiness

I would have never believed it to be true or would dismiss it; I'm not cranky and what if I were? It's not because I'm in menopause (started when I was 39 so for almost 10 years now so what's the big deal?) hell no, I'm doing just fine thank you.
But (as my mum sometimes 'subtly' puts it) I seem to have a history with being down at times. I take things very personally too, can't help it, I have a low selfesteem ever since I was a teen and being bullied for years. (working on that) So when I had a 'thing' at work with coworkers I made it bigger than it was in my head. So big in fact that my health was at risk. My epilepsy was acting up big time which is not a good thing when I'm working at an elderly's home. Thankfully they are only smaller seizures but still very annoying. My mind was working overtime thinking and overthinking why it was that they didn't like me or what I had done wrong. (which was nothing, all in the head)

Yesterday we had a team meeting and when my foreperson started a discussion about the subject everyone was very surprised at what I was thinking. I had made things so much bigger and worse than they were. Nothing was going on, only in my head it was. From a small thing with one coworker I had made it into 'nobody likes me'... (it's a bit more complicated than that but I'm not going into more details here) It didn't make any sense to me until one coworker said she had experienced the exact same thing a few years back (meanwhile she was waving a piece of paper in front of her for cool air so we were in the same boat so to speak)
She felt down all the time, forgot everything, kept overthinking things and she said; 'It's the damn menopause'.
I never wanted to believe that or I really never had thought about it to be honest. But it made a lot of sense. She said I had to clear my head more, walk outside more, do more things for myself by myself just to clear that full head of all those thoughts.

If I see that list I can name almost 20 which I seem to have; the worst being itchy, mood swings, irritability, trouble sleeping, anxiety, faulty memory, achy joints, muscles, tense muscles, weight gain, clammy feeling and the hot flashes and night sweats. The past week sore breasts joined happily along with them. So waiting on the rest of the list to join in... Thankfully my period has gone for good so that's the one good thing about it! I don't see restless legs syndrome on there but it should! God that's annoying! And the itchy thing... when I finally sleep I wake up from scratching my head because it has gotten so dry and itchy!
Menopause; and to think I'm only 48.... darn...
*breathe in, breathe out*

We have to see the humour in it somehow, somewhere...

© KH

Sunday, 19 June 2016

Music on Sunday; Fantasy themed Classical music

It's been a while since there's been classical music on here so it's time for it again. I thought I would take some pieces out of the long list of really awesome Classical pieces with a fantasy or mythological theme. Fantasy and mythology is the biggest theme in Classical music and it's fairy difficult to choose from but here goes;

I always liked Peter and the wolf in any version but for fans of the late David Bowie; I have found a version of him narrating on Spotify.

© KH

Sunday, 12 June 2016

Music on Sunday, Theme Song

This post on Facebook made me think (about it) what my theme song would be; more then one would qualify actually come to think of it. Too many to even choose from;

What's yours?

© KH

Sunday, 5 June 2016

Music on Sunday; Summer hits 2016

It's June and even though the weather has been not all that now that the first warm days are finally here people are starting to talk on the radio about which song will be the Summer hit of this year. So I've been searching to which song may stand a change in my view for the title of song of Summer 2016.

The other day I heard some dj talk about the new Summer hit; he thought this year a German song would stand a chance. It's quite catchy indeed;

But I also love Justin Timerlake!

I really don't like Summersongs that much to be honest; most of them (accept Justin) are meaningless one day flies. But some stick like these from the 80s; still one day flies but they stuck.

And some you pick up from holiday abroad; like these two;

© KH

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

I am what I am

All my life people told me the exact oposite of the quote above; I wasn't supposed to speak so loud, not laugh so hard, not be present too much etc etc... I probably have some kind of ADHD but was never tested so people/family everyone put their two cents in to try and mould me into a person they thought was how you should be. Or rather their version of how I should be.

A lot has happened to me along the years, in life I mean. I got bullied over a period of a year or two, three maybe. I was (still am to be honest) a very insecure person. Insecurities are often loud, confidence is silent. People often don't take the time to get to know a person but they do judge them.
When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I always said I wanted to be a mum. I never knew what kind of profession I wanted; A mum was all I wanted to become. My mum did a pretty good job of it, so why couldn't I become one. Because you don't get paid to be one perhaps.

Kids don't judge you, you're their mum, you are the way you are. If you have insecurities they don't see them when they're small and when they're older they do whatever is in their power to help you with them. My boys love me for who I am, they don't mind that I have a loud voice or that I sometimes snap because I am feeling anxious. They know how I am.
So does my family, hub, mum and sis.

But coworkers that's something entirely different. When I met my ex and went to live with him I had to find a job. A job comes with coworkers and they don't always take the time to get to know you or take you as you are. I worked in an office with a lot of other women. When I tell you that working with only women is the worst I'm not telling you anything a lot of other women don't know. Women together can be very gossipy (if that's a word) and spiteful. I don't get that, I'm certainly not like that at all! I've worked in several offices, in shops and realised that was not for me. I couldn't do that for the rest of my life. Being someone who I'm not. Thankfully I got pregnant and my real job began.

But when I got a divorce years later I had to get a job again. So I started to clean in elderly people's homes. No direct contact with other coworkers not much anyway, just with elderly peeps and those people are the best! They have the life experience, the stories, the warmth... and yes, most of them take you for who you are. I am loved by them and I don't have to change who I am.
Until yesterday I thought I was doing wonderfully; yesterday my foreperson wanted to have a chat.
My coworkers couldn't handle the way I was when we had meetings.
Not again, I thought.
We had a long talk in which I explained to her about why I am what I am. Why I am insecure, about the autistic men in my life, about what I have gone through to get where I am now.

But when I got home I really was pissed; What right do they have to talk about me behind my back (in a meeting whilst I had my holiday) when I am nothing but honest with everyone. I have explained to everyone why I can't fill in as much as they do. Why I get seizures sometimes (if my plate is too full) and what is making me me. Besides, don't I have a right to some privacy? Do I have to lay it all on the table for coworkers to understand why I sometimes behave the way I do?
No, they want me to change... And I'm done with changing for others.

I've been through hell and back, I've been through bullying, through death of loved ones, through beeing silenced for two years of my life by my then husband, followed by a divorce and depressions, I live with a partner with autism and a son who denies having it (but does), I have lost friends, I sometimes feel very very alone, and I have to do a lot by myself... This is MY life!
I refuse to change for anyone anymore!

I am who I am, take it or leave it!

© KH