Emotions

Yesterday I spent the day at my sister's where we came to talk about someone who was seeking help dealing with some personal stuff which I shall not mention here. That someone started talking about it and how she struggled with it for a long time even to the point where it almost cost her her marriage. Now that she was talking about what was bothering her all these years it also helped her relationship. When she was explaining all that I suddenly felt the tears well up in my eyes for no apparent reason. All of a sudden I sat there nodding, listening and crying at the same time while she and my sis both were saying I should seek help myself. That I can't do it all alone that I think I am strong enough but that I need someone to talk to who can figure things out with me.

I always was and probably always will be someone who's all smiles and happy from the outside but botteling things up from within. Yesterday I first told my mum and later my sis about how things were here, with my autistic partner, that I struggle every day and that he always says that how I'm feeling is not only his fault. Maybe it isn't, maybe it's me as well, maybe I just saw my dad as an example for too many years. The strong type, too strong probably, but one you could always depend on. I didn't have such a person in my life ever since he's gone, not my ex (then husband) not my hub now. I sometimes think: Do I need such a person? If so why do I need him (or her) in my life? Can't I be my own strong person? If I can depend on anyone in life, it has been always on myself! Not my husband (ex or current one) not my family (they have their own lives to live) and I can't very well put my troubles in the hands of my boys. I am the only one who can help me! So why should I go and place my stuff, my brain stuff in the hands of a psychologist or psychiatrist when I know very well what it is that is lacking or not, what I need in life, or not. I have the tools in my own hands/brain/whatever. If I don't choose to do a thing with it, than it's my own damn fault.

I know I am happy when I'm alone in my home. But I can't affort my home alone. Is it fair to stay with my hub soley for this? No you are not doing that, the little voice whispers. We also can laugh when you are allowing to let yourself see through his faults and his inadequacies. The way he was brought up has a lot to do with how he is right now plus his autism of course.
But... but that does not give him the right to curse, to be angry all the time when things don't go the way he wants them to go, or to spent more money than we have. He needs guidance again, needs to do some mindfulness excercises.
I need more meditation. Peace and quiet. Reflecting on myself, my thoughts and my life.
I can do this, I always have done it myself and I will this time!
Let it go and it will be alright. Right?

© KH