Monday, 11 July 2016

Blog 1100; Still searching but also still standing

I started this blog in 2011 after being on several other blogsites. I didn't like to leave the others, it also meant I had to leave my stories and other things, but it wasn't always my own choice. Looking back Blogger would have been the better blog but when you start to look back you sometimes wish you did a lot of things different.
I started out in Dutch but since I have a lot of online friends from all over the world who like to read my blog from time to time I started to write in English. Sometimes I even can express myself better in English anyway.

They one thing over the years that has staid or better has come back is that I want to improve myself; be a better version of myself but more my search for Inner Peace.
Reading back some blogs I've written I keep on struggling with that; with myself and with finding that Inner Peace.

A few days ago I found out that my external hard drive was broken and couldn't be fixed. All my pictures, photos, edits and some stories are on there. The man in the store said I should always have two places to store things on to be safe. Two? Why? I thought it would be safe, they told me so.
I was sad, felt anxious and hurt all at the same time.
I don't think I have had an easy life, it could be worse but still it hasn't (still isn't ) been easy. Often times I feel like I am struggling through things alone. Like I'm fighting alone.
Inner Peace would be very welcome so that I always have something to fall back on.
Even though it hasn't been easy I think I have been strong all the way, sometimes maybe too strong.
But there is no one to catch me if I fall, no strong arms to hold me if I break down, so I have to be strong.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, that you meet the peope you are supposed to meet to help you or that you learn from them even if they hurt you. You grow from that. It doesn't necessarily mean that you have an easy life, far from it. But you grow from it if you do it right.
I'm not so sure sometimes if I'm doing it right. If I read back to see I am struggling to find Inner Peace for years; am I doing it right? I get distracted from my path, or more that I let myself be distracted from my path, which is something I don't like very much. I also know exactly what's the cause of that; my partner with autism who is diverting me away from the path to Inner Peace.
He can't help it I'm sure but the fact remains is that I let it happen. I let myself be distracted from it. I could have been there ages ago if I wanted. I have to work even harder to get there. But at the same time I think ; go with the flow, let it be...

After all this time I'm still doing what I'm always doing; relying on myself, trying to find Inner Peace and working hard to keep my head above water. There's got to be more than that; head above water is a little too disturbing, it has to be more easy than that.
I'm still here, I'm still standing and I will get there one day. That Inner Peace will come, someday.

© KH


Daan (Dan) said...

others don't control you, you do...
you have been made to believe that others are the cause of your struggles, but really, you are...
{my beliefs are in my life, not my ex, or my mum, or the bullies from school... i am...}

first love you!!
first believe you don't have to struggle...

Daan (Dan) said...

maybe this one is even more useful...

Kati H said...

thanks Daan I'll look into that