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My son said to me recently; 'some people do something with their lives, mum, instead of sitting home all the time'. I know he didn't mean it like it sounded, but it made me think. Do I mind this live I have chosen for myself? Sometimes I do, sometimes I did wish I could do more, go out more, travel more. But... and there is the big and ugly but... I just can't. For most people it is unimaginable the life hub and I lead, staying in so much, not going out and do stuff. But most of the time it's just a question of money. I really would love to travel more, see more, do more. Plus I'm not so comfortable anymore around people.

But I'm also disappointing myself; I'm not writing as much as I want anymore; I'm not studying enough. I'm not listening to my body, in short; I'm sitting in my comfortable bubble at home locking myself in it. I feel like my gran, only she had a mild case of autism in hindsight. She didn't go out anymore in the last years of her life. She didn't want to see other people but her family. I know it's not good, but I don't want to change is just yet. I don't know why; there will be a time I'm sure that it will be changed. Of course I go out; I go to work every day, meet people there, meet my co workers. Meet up with my family go to them by train. Hub and I go to a museum now and again. That must be enough for now. What son probably doesn't understand (which maybe hurt most of all) is that he made a comparison between his dad and me. His dad going to all kind of things and I'm not. His dad who didn't pay his wages, didn't put his two cents in when it came to his children. I'm doing all the paying with my meazily salary.

There you go; after all this time (almost 10 years) one tiny remark from my son can still get to me. Can still give me the feeling of anger, annoyance, of helplesness. Maybe not even that; maybe just; I should have done it differently so that I could have had it better now. But I should have is too late, it doesn't help. Why can't I let go of that? Why does it irritate me so how he spends his money other than on his/our children? I don't know but I really should stop it! It's not helping me and returning to my innerpeace which I have lost once again.

Bit crude but yeah; that quote says it all really.

Letting go is easily said. Practicing mindfulness too; chancing your life is hard to do. Changing yourself is even harder. But I'm constantly trying... no matter what everyone is saying.

© KH


Daan (Dan) said…
recently figured that there's a huge, loud voice as part of who i am that i've called the Judge. keeps telling me what i'm doing wrong, what i ought to be doing differently, whenever it's not good enough, and i've decided that i'm going to accept him... accept that this voice is there, means well, is my scared Ego, and then do whatever the hell i want to do anyway... there's no point in fighting it, cos it'll always be there... i'm tired of fighting it... life's too short... when i accept he's there, trying to protect me from failure, or pain or whatever, it's trying to help me, {even though i often don't need help}, i accept a part of me that is genuinely scared {of change or failure, or pain} and that's when the healing starts... i think... :-)

keep on trucking, girl... ♥
Gattina said…
Listen to yourself and do what you want. If you feel comfortable at home that is OK and why forcing you to go out and "do" more ? Just tell your son that he should handle his life and not interfere in yours. To comfort you my son does the same, it doesn't make me sad, it makes me furious !
Kati H said…
Very wise view Daan, thanks! :)

Gattina, thank you for sharing this, I feel a lot better knowing this thank you! :)
Elidir said…
Hey Kate.... I found this one for you:

And I feel Gattina's words are very wise indeed. Your son is young. He sees things differently. It's young people. We were the same when we were spring chickens.

I do hope, however that you pick up your study as that's a future that could maybe help you just that littlebit further. And do take the occasional 3day cruise to Hull. Yeah... it's just 8 hours hanging around in the centre of Hull but it's a place where you will feel better. Or take the coach trip to York. Just you and hub. That's always cheap and it could fuel you enough to keep going?
Ah you could do the Newcastle thing.... Seems to be great city centre as well. Maybe I could go one day with you. I can see it and when I do I start laughing. Me and my walking cane.... :)) Chin up, dear.

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Quotes and Pics 7

© KH

Lief Dagboek,

“The truth is the kindest thing we can give folks in the end.”
― Harriet Beecher Stowe
Toen ik een jaar of negen was, kreeg ik een dagboek voor mijn verjaardag. Ik weet niet meer uit mijn hoofd van wie, maar dat staat vast wel in 1 van mijn foto-albums. Mijn vader was erg nauwkeurig met opschrijven in die tijd wie er waren, wat ik kreeg. Ik schreef er meteen in. De eerste dagboeken waren meer week-of maandboeken. Ik was dan ook nog maar negen. Wat had ik nou voor belangrijks te vertellen? Later toen ik wat ouder werd, kwamen de eerste verliefdheden. Ik kreeg 'verkering' en niet eens met de jongen waar ik al jaren zo gek op was maar met de 'next best thing'. Hij vroeg mij dus och waarom ook niet. Lang duurde dat dan ook niet. Nu ik erover nadenk: Ik was het alweer bijna vergeten.

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