Monday, 12 October 2015

Visited in dreams

Ever since my dad has passed away, 12 years today, I've been dreaming regularly about him. It was a strange week to begin with, the week after his passing. It was almost as if he was still there, in the house. Dust-bins flying open for no apparent reason, strange sounds in the house, we got the chills and felt dad's precence still.
The night before the funeral I spent the night at my mum's for support. Mum and I were talking before we went to sleep. She told me she had seen him, the night right after he'd passed. She was wide awake but he had stood by the side of her bed, clear as day. I believed her. I do believe there is more between heaven and earth than we know off.

That night I dreamt about my dad for the first time. I was going to speak at the funeral and felt nervous. Would I keep it together? I was strong the whole time but this was something different. My dad was only 60 when he died and I thought it was so unfair he died so young. In my dream I was about to stand up to speak when I noticed my dad sitting next to me. All the other people faded away; it was only dad and me. Dad and I stood up and faced each other. I arrived too late when he died, so I never got to speak to him which bothered me. He looked at me and said; 'It is good' meaning he thought it was okay like this, him dying instead of the cancer eating away at him more. He took my hand, squezed it and I could walk to the front to talk to everyone. That's when I woke up and told my mum about it.

Ever since that day I had more dreams with my dad in them. My dad wasn't a very talketive man. He said what needed to be said (he was a militairy man maybe that says it all) and that's it. He had glasses that colour when the light is too bright, so you didn't always see his eyes. In my dreams that meant I didn't see his eyes often; I saw his glasses which were coloured by the sun. My dad could give you a look without talking when you said something silly. So in my dreams the first years after his death, I only saw a glimpse of him. Either dad walking off the stairs just turning his head to look at me, or him sitting somewere with those coloured glasses again turning his head to look at me; letting me know he was there. It felt that way to me at least. He never spoke to me, not for years anyway. He looked, or he raised his eyebrow like he could do sometimes. Sometimes I woke up crying because I missed him so much, but more often than not I woke up with a smile; I had seen him again!

Last year my mother fell in love with another man. It was totally unexpected, as love often is. She had always said she would never ever want another man, cause men like my dad weren't to be found, which I do think is true. He could be difficult (I do have that from him) but he had a heart of gold.
I do have however a bit of difficulty adjusting to this new situation. The 'new man' in mum's life is trying too hard I think.
It has to grow on me. I like him but he's no dad. But mum is happy and that's what counts I think.
I don't think that this man has anything to do with the dreams but the fact that this morning I woke up laughing because something my dad had said was such a great feeling.

I dreamt that mum and her friend lived together as they do now but my dad lived there too. (weird) In the guestroom. I was there visiting and dad's glasses were crooked on his head. I said to him he needed them fixed and looked angry at my mum for letting him walk around like that. Mum's friend walked in and dad said something so funny (which of course I can't remember) that I burst out laughing and which made me wake up. I now think he still watching over us, over mum and her friend, that she's not making wrong decisions or something. He's still watching over us even though she has a new man in her life. Which I find comforting.
It wasn't until I woke up and looked at the date I realised that today is the day of dad's passing... Again his way of saying he's still with us and I love him for it!

© KH


Daan (Dan) said...

sounds indeed strangely comforting... i haven't had dearly departed come to me in dreams, apart from a hamster... but i guess that's not the same... :-)
hope today will be good for you and your mother and sister...

Kati H said...

thanks Daan :)