Monday, 13 July 2015

Never apologize for being you

Sometimes you wonder why on earth you bother to even make the effort. To even be yourself cause others make sure they let you know yourself isn't good enough while you know it is! Because you have moved beyond that so long ago. You have made a journey within and have fought and struggled so hard to be who you are at this point in your life. Maybe you are not there yet but you are so much further than you were years ago! You are no longer the person the people from your past knew, so many years ago, maybe on the outside you haven't changed much, sure you gained too many pounds but on the inside you have fought a battle they have no idea of!

Yesterday I went to a birthday party for my niece at my sis' house. My family came and of course friends of my sis and brother in law. People I hadn't seen in a long time and was happy to see again. It wasn't about those people, they are lovely, it is and always will be about my own family. I really don't know why I let them get to me, each and every time. I shouldn't, I should know better than that by now. I really could do without all the pointless drama already.
My wall is big enough to hide behind for the hurtful words not to touch me you would think. That wall I so carefully built over the years is there for a reason. I let some people in, but mostly it is there to keep those negative vampire people out. My uncle is one of them; he was always my favourite uncle but over the last years I must have outgrown him I think or see him for who he really is; someone with an opinion I do not like, I don't want to use the word 'hate' but it comes close. (his opinions I mean)

My hub has autism and everyone knows that but still some people have to go and trigger him to downright attack him and than say he can't take a joke. No of course he can't; first it's not a joke, second if it were, if I didn't get it he couldn't at all because he thinks differently than us. But that wasn't the worst of it, my uncle always thinks he has to be funny and for him that means to be insulting. So he and an other older guest were just blunt and that other guest even said when I almost fell over my sons feet; 'you would get 'that' on top of you! You would have to go to hospital with that weight!' 'That' being me. I looked at him, turned around and went inside to watch the tennis on Wimbledon. No it wasn't very social and yes I missed all the conversations with those lovely other friends of my sis who I haven't talked to in a long time, but I just had to leave. Even my mother was laughing with my uncle. Now I know that she has changed a lot lately, but this I did not expect.

I have talked to my sis about it and she is much more down to earth about things than I am. I think I care too much (still) about what people think about me. I 'simply' have to stop doing that. I need to distance myself from those kind of people too even if it's family. If it makes me feel bad it's not a good thing. If that means I can't go to a family thing, I am sure my sis will understand that. Sometimes I even think it's just me, I make it out to be pointless drama in my head, but if my hub and my son both say the same thing than it's just not me!

I just don't get why people can be like that; Why some people cannot accept the difference in people or treat people with worth and dignity and respect. If I am to respect my uncle because he's older (and my uncle), he doesn't earn it by treating me this way each and every time simply because he thinks it's funny.
Plus I just need to get over the fact that I should care about what people think about me. That I wasn't very social yesterday by watching tennis (I did want to see it plus it was some sort of hiding away safe place as well) and 'what would people think of me now?' Who cares? Well, I did of course. My sis didn't. Time once again to practice what I preace.

© KH

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