Monday, 25 August 2014

Self reflection

In my blogs I'm constantly questioning myself, or reflecting, to grow, to become a better version of myself or maybe become the real me. I think in my life I've never really became the person who I want to be. Maybe I am starting to get to know her now but it's taken a long time. I was always trying to be a person I was not. I know I'm a rather loud person, I know now it's probabaly due to my insecurities. My mum always told me not to talk so loud, or laugh so hard. What would the family think or the neighbours. God forbid! I love my mum to bits but if you get the feeling you can't be who you are that's not a nice feeling at all. Even now I'm almost 47 she can give you the feeling you musn't be who you are. I'm sure if you talk to her about it she'll brush it aside and say it's ridiculous but it's how the insecure person inside me feels.

Even in my marriage I was a very insecure person. My ex-husband was a very strong willed person but so am I. And still I never got the change to be who I am. It's taken me years after our divorce to figure out who I am and there are still times I'm not sure I already know. Eventhough my ex and I don't have contact anymore (not even about the children, it's just not possible) he still tries to butt in my life whenever he can. I don't know why he just does. The kids are at an age where they do a lot of things themselves. Oldest son has too anyway, his dad made it clear he isn't paying a damn thing and he hasn't for several years.
After stressing about it and argueing with him the kids and I have decided to ignore that and go about our own business.
We don't want to make our lives a living hell or stressful because of their dad.

It's taken me a lot and a lot of blogs and stressing to come to the person I am now. But everytime something happens in relation to ex and the kids someone with their own ideas about my ex will tell me what to do. They think I need to sue him and take him for all he's worth. That I let him get away with everything and he's laughing and I'm a fool to take it all. And so on and so forth.
The kids and I have talked about it years ago, after we decide to discontinue the co-parenting.
It would mean more stress for them and me. Sure maybe he had to finally pay up after a long and stressful period of time but would that be worth all the argueing and stress we would have? We don't think so.

I am happier without that negative person in my life. I don't want to talk to him anymore. Everytime I've tried he always wanted to convince me he was right and I was not. You wouldn't believe how stressful every conversation with that man was, how draining.
It was like he was sucking the life right out of you.
It's bad enough oldest son is living there but it's his own choice, he doesn't have too. Ex is ill, or rather he has a heart condition and has had loads of small strokes. Ever since then he's more angry and towards me it seems and we're not togethere anymore. The best thing for me is distance myself both mentally as fysically (last one I already did)
The first one is still hard because he's the father of my kids and the things he does (or doesn't do) effects them the most. It's even harder not to talk bad about him to them. But I have to try harder. Oldest son has been here for the summer, but he lives with his dad since a year now because his school is there. In the weekends he's here again.
But he told me the other day that there is no woman in the world he loves more than me and there probably never will be. I teared up after that. I'm not doing half as bad as I sometimes think I do appartenly. I do it all, the parenting, the caring, the worrying. And not only the fun stuff like their dad is doing all their life and still does.

I'm sure I will need to rant sometimes on here from time to time, but I do hope I can close the book and never look that way again or stress over him ever again.
I want to be the real me or to find the real me without having to stress over people bringing me down every time.
I need to make time for me instead of wasting it on negative people who aren't worth my time.

© KH


Daan (Dan) said...

there's a lot of things i'd like to say to this all, but nothing more than: give yourself a break! stop beating yourself up over this!
but i also know that this is easier said than done... so i'll send you some loving vibes and hope they'll work their magic... XX
hang on in there, girl... you're on your way, like we all are in our own ways... :-)

Kati H said...

Thanks Daan. I know what you mean and I'm happy with all the loving vibes you can spare! ;) xxx