Monday, 16 June 2014

Letting go and trust

In my former scribbles in Dutch I've written a lot of these sort of blogs: mindfulness ones, or blogs about self reflection or trying to change myself. But I think it's good to keep on writing about it, to keep on trying to let go, to change for the better. Time and time again. Especially if certain things keep bothering you; I find it helpful to write them down.

Last Saturday I had a row with my 19 year old son about his life really. One can say; well it's his life. But I'm his mum I worry. Mum's do don't they? They tend to worry about their children. My mum still does about me. She always says; 'Small children small worries, big children big worries' and I think she's quite right. 
Son has a new girlfriend and without getting into details about it, it was quite a discussion. 

I'm divorced from his dad for 8 years now and most of the raising I do on my own. Every bit of normal contact is non existing between his dad and me. That's a shame really and hard at times like this, when I want to teach son something a man should really do or a dad should tell. Of course a mum can as well, but sometimes you need a dad to tell you certain things. His never did. Ex and I always said we would stay friends. We did for a while but that didn't work out well in the end. I feel bad for the kids and it seems ex just doesn't care. 
I should let it all go and keep my mouth shut. It's hard though but it's his dad even though the man doesn't do a damn thing, it's his dad. To me it feels like son can do anything he likes here and over there he can't be himself and has to walk on eggshells.

Son said; 'Mum, I think I'm a humanist. I tend to see the good in people. Also with dad. I see or want to see the good things about him, because he is my dad. I don't want to know of the bad things'
Maybe he's smarter than I am. Look at the good things not the bad.
Although I do think that's a bit of fooling yourself but he has to find that out for himself. It's not for me to say. It's his life not mine. A mother's natural instict is to interfere or protect (my mum still does as well) But to be fair; I've had my time of protecting him from 'the bad world outside'. He's 19 years old; it's time to stand on your own two feet. I can't keep fighting his battles for him; he doesn't learn a damn thing of that! I know; they did for me for a long time from childhood till I got my divorce really. I left home when I was his age. I never learned to stand on my own two feet; My parents did it all for me, after them ex did. So if I keep helping son, he will never learn; and maybe that's what ex is teaching him by not doing a damn thing in my eyes. The fact that I keep helping son, must be frustrating. Damn, writing it all down is good!
Fighting about who's right and who's not doesn't help son's and mine relationship one bit either!

I was just afraid he's burying his head in the sand, but maybe he's not maybe he's got it all figured out and he's just smarted than I give him credit for. All I can do is to be here for him if need be. 

Again, I have to let go and trust it will all turn out as it should. It always will. 

© KH

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