Chin up!

Here we go again. I feel like I'm constantly repeating myself over and over again on this blog and never getting any closer to where I want to go. But I feel stuck again; I feel lost. I feel lonely. I'm depressed maybe and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe I do maybe the answer is staring me right in the face and I don't see it, but the fact is I am down, restless, anxious and feeling so very much alone.

Physically I'm a mess too. Have been for a very long time as well. That's probably a result from the stressing and the worrying about every fucking little detail that's happening around me. I'm anxious which is not good for my body. I'm hugely overweight and I don't give a damn about that. Not that I'm eating too much not at all, I'm not exercising and maybe that's the problem. Also ever since we've got rid of the car and don't drive to the woods to walk there I miss going for walks in nature/the forest. My dog is getting too old to go all the way to the forest and back again and to be honest; Walking there alone scares me a wee bit. But I know for a fact that walking in nature clearing my head helps me enormously.

So why don't I just go and do that you ask? Well that's a very good question; I just don't know. My body is hurting, my back aches, my shoulders ache and there's a strange thing in my stomach that the doc says is stress related but I'm wondering if that's the case. I also have a lot of hormonal issues. Boy if I knew that menopause caused all that trouble I would skip it. Oh wait, you can't... damn.

All in all if I look at myself right now I see a sad, unhappy person and I know that tomorrow that can change again.
That's just the frustrating thing really; the constant changing of emotions, one day you're up the next you're down. My mother once said I always had that but I'm not sure I did, it's gotten worse in menopause. And I'm only 47 and I'm already in it from age 39! 

My youngest son is 17, almost 18. He has a mild case of autism and ADHD. He has a girlfriend and his hormones are raging! So not only is he reacting differently because of his autism (which he thinks is bs) he also reacts more intense because of his hormones and I of course react back with my hormonal imbalance.

Some days the old Napoleon XIV song is on repeat in my head;
They're coming to take me away Ha Ha They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
To the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes
They're coming to take me away ha ha...

Oh well, better be crazy in a nutt house than be a grumpy old mum all the time right. 

Come on old broad, chin up and all that! Ladida... 

© KH

ps trying to blog more frequently from now on... pinky promise!