Changing expectations

 “If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective.” ~Unknown

Sometimes it feels as if you are completely in control of your life, but when it comes to relationships there’s always the other person.

Especially when you're in a second relationship where you so want things to be different than in the first one. You feel in control but are you?
How often have you wanted a relationship to be something that it was not? 

Try being in a relationship where your partner has any form of autism. Their mood can change t anytime so sometimes you feel like walking on eggshells when really it shouldn't be like this at all. Or it wasn't what you imagined your second relationship to be. But to be honest; is it ever? We always make things more exciting in our heads, better. 

Sure the love is there but with someone with autism you have to do the extra steps necessary to make it really work. It's not that your loved one is able to understand the things you take for granted. They don't come natural to them, they have to be taught. You can teach them from a young age on but if they never learned those things it is even  more difficult.

Sometimes I find it hard when he is getting angry over nothing but recently I found out it is a reaction on my own reactions. If I am getting worked up over something he is getting even more worked up, if one of my sons are reacting angry, he will get even more angry or agitated. 

Action - reaction it seems. 

So how much can I expect of him? How high are/were my own expectations in the first place? Am I that perfect all the time? Is he taking me for who I am? 

Answers; my expectations are often too high; I'm not perfect; He is taking me as I am! 

To go further than that; he respects me, he wants to do everything for me and my boys, he does his part in household tasks, etc. So what is bothering me? The different social behavior? The reactions he can't control? I don't know, but what I do know is that he loves me, he doesn't take me for granted and  he wants to grow old with me... 

Isn't that what we all want in the end? 

So why what am I whining about... 

*tries to change expectations* 

© KH

Realist

Ever since I've started working on myself all those years ago I thought I was on the right path. I diverted once in while but still I was doing great. I let myself be distracted often, I blame my adhd as well, or perhaps my menopause and all the things that come along with it, but still I was on the way to being Mindfull and causiously optimistic about that.

There have been times I've been down and very pessimistic about everything but all in all I always saw myself as a very happy optimistic person. But lately more and more I find myself shaking my head when I read something (today it was about a moon eclipse and how it would effect so many people ) and thinking what utter nonsense it is. Of course I still believe in the power of the Universe and that everything is connected but some overdo it.

In little things I notice it as well; every time one of my sons was taking a girl home I just knew if she would be gone soon or not and when they asked me afterwards what I'd think they already saw it on my face (sorry, my face can't lie) and every time I was right even though they said I wouldn't be.

At work meetings, I'm the one with the 'big mouth' who says the things everyone is thinking but no one is daring to say. I know they don't like it very much, but someone has to say it right?
If nothing else I am honest.
I always am prepared whenever we go away, when no one else think to take certain things with them, I have it. That's not being pessimistic, it's realistic.
I try to avoid drama at all costs, because drama consists mostly of people acting irrationally, and that irritates me to no end.
The 'I told you so' is on the tip of my tongue a lot... ;-)

On the other hand; me worrying so much sometimes isn't a realistic trade. Or wanting your life to have gone a certain way that it's not. So perhaps that too needs a little more work. I've come a long way and I'm certain that one day I will be there.

© KH

Time

Yesterday my oldest son had his birthday and turned 22 already. I find birthdays of kids always a bit of a time to reflect as a mum; where has the time gone? Before you know it they have gone out of the house and live on their own.
I know that a few years ago I wrote a blog about him leaving my home to go live at his dad's house and that I was scared of loosing him already.
I should have know better than to worry over that; after a year he came back to live here. Not only because he wanted to be back here but also because his girlfriend lives nearer here and a few other reasons.
But I know that the time will come that they will leave 'the nest'. If I'm prepeared that's a whole different matter all together.

When I was 19 I went on to live with what was to become the dad of my kids. Didn't know it then though, as I didn't know of course that we would get a divorce 18 years after we were married. So every moment the boys are living here longer than I lived at my parents house is one to be cherrished perhaps. On the other hand are they ready to live on their own yet? But was I?

Things have a way of turning out as they should. You may want to help it turn out the way you want it to but that's no use. What ever is supposed to happen will happen in the end. So all I as their mum can do is be there for them and hope that in the meantime I've prepared them enough for 'the big world' to live on their own. I can worry but as I am well aware that's a useless occupation.
But still.... where did the time go?

© KH

Chattering mind

For the past few weeks I have started my day with a daily meditation. A guided meditation that is because if I try to meditate on my own my mind immediately starts to wander and think all kind of thoughts when I want it to be still. It never does; when I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom immediately my mind must think we are up and ready for a new day because the moment I start to walk to the bathroom the chatter begins. By the time I'm back in bed I have heard over ten songs in my head, thought I don't know how many thought about the next day or the last week or other things. The concequence of all that is that I can't fall back to sleep and often am staring at the ceiling in the hope the sleep will return.

A few weeks ago I was trying to meditate and the chatter started again. I was fed up with it and told my mind; STOP! My mind's response; Hammer time!

I like having an associative mind but that was going too far! The meditation didn't work (I shouldn't have said stop of course but let the thoughts pass me by like clouds in the sky) at that point and I have to be careful not to repeat it like that again.

But how do I get rid of the chatter in my mind?
There are a lot of different sites which want to help me with that so I have done some research and here are some tips;

1. See your brain as an innocent child; It does where it is good at; creating thoughts. You have to learn to accept yourself as you are with your thought-filled mind. Yes, you might not fall asleep right away now, but don't worry. Feed your mind with positive thoughts, that make you happy.

2. Try to see yourself as a clear blue sky. You are the sky and your thoughts are the clouds. Sometimes there are no clouds but there are times there are so many there is  a thunderstorm.
The sky is much bigger than the clouds. The clouds are drifting around in the the sky but they aren't the sky itself, just as you are not your thoughts.
How thick the clouds may be, above it is always the blue sky. When your head is filled with clouds (thoughts) go find a quiet place and try to observe the clouds. As if you're lying on the grass and watching the clouds drifting on by above you. Without judging them, just watch them, just let them be. You are not your thoughts, your thoughts are not who you are.

3. Meditate regulary.
Even when you feel that it's no use, that your thoughts are in the way of becoming quiet, when you meditate every day you will start to feel the effect eventually. Just sit or lie down and close your eyes and focus your attention on your breathing. When you notice your focus is diverted away from your breathing, gently turn back to it without judging yourself for it.

4. Don't fall for your own thoughts.
What you think is not true most times anyway, which is very important because most people believe what they think.
- 'I can't do that and I never will'
- 'I will fail so I won't even try'
- 'I'm unattractive, fat, ugly and I hate myself'
- 'See? he doesn't want me, nobody loves me'
- 'I'm lazy and worthless and I'm not contributing anything to this world anyway'

Those kind of thoughts are rubbish and merely genereted by your brain out of fear, insecurities and thought patterns of old. Not out of self love, compassion, or happiness. All fine if you don't let it compromise your selfworth.


5. Perhaps sometimes it is best to go with the flow instead of trying to change things. You can learn to train your brain but if the chatter stays than maybe other things work for you;

- Write a journal/blog (I find that very helpfull so perhaps I need to do that more) Write down what you're worried about, or how your day's been. By putting things in writing you bring structure to your brain. If you write everyday, it won't get so 'full' up there anyway.
- put down a piece of paper next to your bed. Whenever thoughts come into your mind, you can write them down immediately. Todo's or idea's whatever comes to mind.
- Plan in the evening what you want to do the next day.
- Give yourself less choices; minimalism helps to worry less.

I'm not sure if I will use everything from those tips but I'm sure going to try a few.
In the meantime I will continue meditating because I'm sure that will help quiting the mind.

© KH

Source 

Taking time for yourself

Yesterday I was visiting a friend I hadn't seen in a while. We had a wonderful afternoon together and talked about what happened in our lives. At one point I told her that I found myself to be somewhat of a titmouse and I felt I hadn't been very social lately. She felt that you sometimes needed time for yourself to work out the things that were going on in your own life, that you couldn't be there for someone if you had too much on your own mind.

She's right of course but still I always feel guilty whenever I haven't spoken to people who I think I should have contacted. That's probably the first step; Stop feeling guilty for taking time for yourself.
Taking care of yourself isn't selfish. Or as my friend told me; 'You can't handle someone else's problems if you still have your own to deal with'. You just can't be there for someone so you have to take care of yourself first.

The most difficult thing there is in working on yourself is 'learning to love yourself'. Of course everyone will say that they do love themselves but try saying it in front of a mirror to yourself that you love yourself. That you love what you do, who you are, or worse, how you look like. It is damn hard, but it all starts with self acceptance. A stress free life starts with self love. I am nowehere near that I know but I'm working hard on it. 

Try writing down the things your proud of or what you like about yourself. 

I think I'm not a bad mum-no rephrase that; I'm a great mum! I do a hell of a job in not so great circumstances. I'm also a caring person (wanting to follow that with a 'but' but I won't) 

Don’t punish yourself for wanting and needing the quiet moments. You’re human and taking care of yourself is as important as that next pay cheque or keeping in touch with all your friends in real life and/or social media. You are not selfish, you deserve it.

© KH

Holding onto pain

Everyone has a different past but somehow I think that most people, how different their past is, can relate to what I'm about to describe.
From my personal experience I have found that no matter how many times you've been happy in the past, or no matter how many positive things have happened you tend to remember the negative things more. Why do we do that? Most certainly the good things that have happened in our lives are worth it to be remembered too. They most times outweigh the negative things but still we experience the bad, the negative things in such a way that they are remembered better. Loss, friends who leave us, relationships break-ups, divorce, you name it or it has happened to me, and I'll bet it has happened to you as well. But the fun times, the happy times, the great hollidays, the laughter, the hugging, love, what is it that we release these memories and have sleepless nights over the negative ones? It's the worst thing we can do for our peace of mind!
It causes more harm than good and why? For me it even causes overthinking things.

Three ways that holding onto the pain are causing more pain;

1. You blame yourself. 

I did this after I got a divorce. It's a classic. You blame yourself. No matter what you're worrying about; the 'could've, should've, would've'. When that comes in the picture you know you're in trouble anyway. You know you're too late to do anything about it so stop doing it! Easier said than done I know! Deep down you know that everything will be alright one day, someday somehow. If you only give yourself time to heal. Not dwell on bygones.

2. You think you can change it. 

Hello, McFly! It's the past! Unless you have invented a timemachine or can borrow the one from 'Back to the Future' you can't go back to the past. What's done is done.
My life's motto is; Everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe in that. We may not ever know what the reason is but that there is a reason for it I am sure of.

3. You don't allow yourself to grow from it. 

Everything that happens to you, happens for a reason I said that already. You learn from it, you grow from it. You get wiser so to speak. So if you constantly carry your hurt around with you and keep dwelling on it you don't grow, it is holding you back from growth, from moving on. Maybe you don't want to move on, or don't want change. I am the first one to admit I don't like change much either. But without change no growth. Without change there would be no butterflies.
You have to let go of your past so that your past can turn into a fond memory, one that you can remember one day and think; I did good, I had made the right choices in life.

© KH

Social media break

Lately I haven't felt all that good, not comfortable in my skin, anxious I've wrote it all down the other day on my blog on menopausal crankiness .
I have snapped at people, online as to  my loved ones, and I was thinking; I always feel I 'have' to do things. I stopped with the 'you have to' bit years ago but not on social media. I'm on various parts of social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr, you name it. You check in several times a day to see what's new and there hardly ever is anything new. Just the same old same old. People ranting about the crappy weather, which you like but they don't seem to get, people complaining all the time, people judging other people without even trying to understand their perspective. Of course there is some good things; I've met most all my friends online, I even met my hub online. But.... you seem to 'have to' like everything, respond to everything, 'heart' everything, react to everything. I make a lot of edits everyday. I really like Benedict Cumberbatch but not that much. I was so done with it all, no I am done with it all. I have over 3000 followers on Twitter! It's not that I don't appreaciate those people who seem to like what I do or say, I do! But I can't keep up.

My head was at the verge of exploding so it seemed. I had to take a break from it all. So yesterday I told every social media site I'm taking a social media break.
But now I have a dilemma; Is blogging social media and if it is does that mean I can't write my thoughts here anymore? If I can't write I'll explode! Maybe it's only social if people can respond to it and I should turn the comment section off?
I do feel the need to write every now and again if I feel the need so I can vent my thoughts to someone. To myself mostly. But I also still love making quotes so I might still continue with those. I will listen more to music so perhaps more new music on Sunday blogs to come.. who knows?

Sometimes I write in the hope I learn from it; something that makes me see how wrong I was or how I need to change things. I know I can do that in a personal journal too but this is essentially why I made this blog in the first place; to learn from it, from myself and maybe others can too. I know that my partner with autism blog has helped a lot of women and still does! So maybe there's no harm in writing every now and again still. It will be a big challenge for me as it is to not pick up my phone and check Twitter or Facebook every half hour.

But I'm also looking forward to doing other things again; reading more, writing more, walking, *cleaning my house says* , drawing even which I neglected a lot. Just things I did before social media even was invented. Things I did before I was sitting behind my laptop all afternoon srolling senseless reading stuff and thinking 'what on earth have I done anyway the past two hours?' You waste your life away with your phone in hand at every step you make in life. The first thing you do in the morning? Picking up your phone to see what has happened.... It's not normal now is it!

Well let's just hope I will survive this rehab and can detox a bit.
Writing a blog once in a while isn't the worst of things.

© KH

Choices

My son said to me recently; 'some people do something with their lives, mum, instead of sitting home all the time'. I know he didn't mean it like it sounded, but it made me think. Do I mind this live I have chosen for myself? Sometimes I do, sometimes I did wish I could do more, go out more, travel more. But... and there is the big and ugly but... I just can't. For most people it is unimaginable the life hub and I lead, staying in so much, not going out and do stuff. But most of the time it's just a question of money. I really would love to travel more, see more, do more. Plus I'm not so comfortable anymore around people.

But I'm also disappointing myself; I'm not writing as much as I want anymore; I'm not studying enough. I'm not listening to my body, in short; I'm sitting in my comfortable bubble at home locking myself in it. I feel like my gran, only she had a mild case of autism in hindsight. She didn't go out anymore in the last years of her life. She didn't want to see other people but her family. I know it's not good, but I don't want to change is just yet. I don't know why; there will be a time I'm sure that it will be changed. Of course I go out; I go to work every day, meet people there, meet my co workers. Meet up with my family go to them by train. Hub and I go to a museum now and again. That must be enough for now. What son probably doesn't understand (which maybe hurt most of all) is that he made a comparison between his dad and me. His dad going to all kind of things and I'm not. His dad who didn't pay his wages, didn't put his two cents in when it came to his children. I'm doing all the paying with my meazily salary.

There you go; after all this time (almost 10 years) one tiny remark from my son can still get to me. Can still give me the feeling of anger, annoyance, of helplesness. Maybe not even that; maybe just; I should have done it differently so that I could have had it better now. But I should have is too late, it doesn't help. Why can't I let go of that? Why does it irritate me so how he spends his money other than on his/our children? I don't know but I really should stop it! It's not helping me and returning to my innerpeace which I have lost once again.

Bit crude but yeah; that quote says it all really.

Letting go is easily said. Practicing mindfulness too; chancing your life is hard to do. Changing yourself is even harder. But I'm constantly trying... no matter what everyone is saying.

© KH

Changing habits

New Year's resolutions are not for me; I've stopped with those a long time ago. I think if you want to change you can do so every hour of every day. You don't have to wait until the new year to do so. Often those resolutions fail because you really don't want to change anyway. It's expected of you to make changes so you make resolutions.

I started a while back with trying to change my habits. I wasn't happy with how I was feeling. Not only physically but mentally as well. I started eating healthier and with that I'm also feeling better. A few years ago I also started practising Mindfulness. Due to some things in my personal life that influenced the way I was reacting, I let loose of the Mindfulness which I started to feel really. It's not making me happy if I let go of it.
I'm on social media a lot (a thing that makes me happy, with a lot of online friends) but I have found that reacting to negative people (on social media or in real life) doesn't do a lot of good. I need to stop myself before reacting; take a step back, breathe and think 'is it worth the fuss? Is it worth to react to it, to let it get on my nerves?'. If the answer is no (which it usually is) then don't react. 

Life is too short to let people get on your nerves. In real life but also on social media. Life's supposed to be enjoyed. You're the one who can change it, the way you react. Do what feels right. Take away all negativity and start with only to allow the positive in and you will start to feel better. I sure am.

© KH

Out with the old, in with the new

A new year a new beginning. I never make new year's resolutions but I have decided I will make some changes regarding this blog. I hardly blogged anymore, it felt like I was making 'rounds' with every themed day. It is not how I like to see my blog. I will keep my quotes and music theme but for the rest I will stop that.

As for the resolutions, last year I have started for myself to eat more healthy, to eat differently. The only thing missing for myself is being more mindful, becoming more mindful. Meditating, becoming Zen, however you want to call it. I feel restless a lot of the time, inside. I do want to change that. I do for a long time, it's not necessarily a resolution of sorts.

So for what better way to start fresh this year with a new day a new beginning on working on myself. To better myself as it were. I was doing that a while back or I was trying to anyway but sometimes life throws you back a few steps only to come back stronger and more determind.
I am a firm believer that you can make a new beginning every day, that you don't need a new year for that. But having said that, with a date on your blog posts, it is kind of a journal you're keeping, it is maybe a bit easier to start changing things in a new year.

So hopefully the people reading my blogs will keep doing so even though I am changing my themes. I hope I will have something worth reading for everyone.

I wish everyone a very happy 2016 and may this year bring you peace within.

Love Kati xxx

© KH

Life is what happens..

 

Sometimes there are things happening in life that you cannot control, things that are affecting your mood as well or maybe even things that make you think about your own life and that it isn't so bad after all. 

Today was a day like every other day. I got up at 7, did my morning routine and went to work at my elderly peeps. I've had really strange dreams I recall waking up, about being in a hotel room and all kind of animals running around escaping from under the beds and what not. I've also had some aches and pains lately but I'm blaming those solely on myself; not excerising enough, sitting behind my laptop writing too long at a time among other things. But when I see some of my elderly women I think I really need to excersise more or watch what I eat better or I will get in trouble when I'm old(er). Anyway, when I was sitting down for some coffee her nurse came in and when we came to talk about the geese in the pond across from our home. One pair already had 5 little ones. She told us that she hoped they would live cause last year she'd seen kids from the school with a large stick with a nail in it, beating the chicks to death. She screamed to them to stop it from across the pond and called the police but it was too late.

geese with young (2012)

I really was horrified by her story and it is still stuck in my head. I love geese and I'm so happy that they come back each year which they won't if they get beaten of course!
Later on I was walking my dog and ran into a neighbour. He asked me if I knew that an acquaintance of ours was sick again. The man had stomach cancer but the last time I saw him he was better and the cancer was gone. Now it had returned and he wouldn't get better again so he told me. The man was given two months at the most. His idea was to collect money and buy flowery plants for his garden so that he could enjoy it now he still could instead of buying flowers for his grave later on. I couldn't agree more. 

But still, I went home from my walk with even more on my mind than before. Count your blessings I thought to myself, go and walk more and take care of yourself. Of course it's not to say I won't get sick but I should enjoy life more without the aches and pains and stress I sometimes have now and when I walked into my garden this little fellow made me smile with his presence after being away for the whole winter; 

You can't shut the world out, but you can't let everything consume your mind either and sometimes I let it which is not good at all. No when to let things go and enjoy the little things in life! 

© KH

Identity

Many times I've written about reflection of self on this blog, of working on finding your true self or about finding out who you really are or what you really want in life.
This morning as I was heading out the door of the place I was working at, the lady just flipped on the tele and I saw Stedman Graham talking about the very same thing. Stedman Graham, who most of us know as partner of Oprah Winfrey, was very inspiring in the very few minutes I heard him talk. So I looked it up just now and what I read is the very same thing I always talk about here on my blog (missed that opportunity to sell a book ;) )

Stedman says;

Part of what makes us human is our ability to be aware of our own existence, to both live and to reflect on our own lives.
It is this capacity for self-awareness that allows us to see our authentic selves and build our own identity, rather than letting others dictate who we are and what we do with our lives.
Inevitably, however, the stresses and routine of daily life can get in the way of this self-reflection. We become caught up in the task of getting through the day—in surviving—to take time to cultivate that awareness.
But with the development of a strong sense of who we are and what we want to do in life, we naturally begin to take agency in our lives, and become successful no matter what challenges life presents.

Isn't that the very same thing that I'm talking about blog after blog after blog? Only he takes it a lot of steps further of course (he's looking at a much bigger picture, I would be satisfied with my own developement) The stresses of daily life that are keeping me from my own personal development and identity? Of course I feel that it can't all be blamed on the daily stresses. You have to be strong enough to not let them get you under and stress you out, but even so; it is a struggle not to. There are always people who are labeling you or who want to dictate what you should or shouldn't do.

Maybe that's why I've become a bit more on my own the last couple of years, not so much on my own as that I keep away from large groups of people, or family members or so called friends. I don't care anymore. Most times it had been a one way street anyway and who needs that? I just want to be in the comfort of my own home with my own family and not be bothered with their opinions. It sometimes feels like I'm anti-social, I'm not though, (feeling very socialy active on Twitter every day!) I just can't be bothered with the drama and the interfering of my life anymore.

I really want to find myself again, find my own Identity. I think I have or I'm on the way of finding it, but I let myself be stressed way too much. I'm surely but very slowly come to realize that I'm the only one who can change that part of my Identity; the stressing needs to go. It's bothering me enormously. I've started to eat more healthy now time to behave more healthy and find my true self.

© KH

Overthinking

Your mind is a dangerous thing. It takes you places you sometimes don't want to go. Or you think things are worse than they are. Or are they?
A friend of mine hasn't been in touch for a long time and she was a very dear one, close to my heart. All of a sudden I find myself in all kind of scenarios. It's all my fault anyway or other women who used to be friends but aren't anymore are saying things to her about me that aren't true obviously and I can't defend myself.

Why does a brain do that? Why does a brain lead you to these thoughts? You clearly don't want to think like that! It's not healthy, you feel sad and anxious and it doesn't bring you closer to a solution. The constant over-analyzing brings self-doubt and more anxiety and stress in your life and body. It's just hard sometimes to get it out of your head.

One way to stop all the overthinking is to accept that you're doing just that. Acceptance is a first step.
So is forgiveness; forgive yourself. Our brain is set to overthink everything. As soon as we start to accept that and forgive ourselves we sent a message to our brain that we are starting to change our way of thinking. Turn the negative thoughts into positive ones.
Rewire your brain as it where.

Meditation can also help as can breathing. Once you feel those negative thoughts come racing in; breathe. Breathing will relax you, helps to calm you and focus on those positive thoughts. It connects you to the present moment, it grounds you and it helps to let go. Once we become frantic and our brain starts racing breathing helps to calm you and become focused again and relax body and mind.

Most overthinkers like me want to talk about their problems. I know I do all the time. But does it help you? Or do you make things worse, especially if the person you're talking to is an overthinker as well, by over analyzing things while talking about it? I find that I work myself up even more by talking about it and get more and more anxious. For me it helps more to write things down (like this blog). You don't want to keep bothering people over and over again with your negative thoughts anyway if they even want to keep listening. Writing has turned out to be very healing for me.

Practicing Mindfulness helps to heal overthinking even more. Believe that everything happens for a reason. That you are in the right place in the right time. Trust the Universe and very important; learn to listen to your inner voice. When I stopped to listen that's when the anxiety began I think.
I'm definitely not there yet not by a long shot, but I'm getting there. It's a constant work in progress.

© KH