Wednesday Wisdom

The last weeks I have been reading up on the news on social media, on news feeds, watching it on tv, all to follow the latest devellopments in America. Today I realised that you can get too much news or too much information on the point that it is disturbing your peace of mind. Of course I'm concerned and worried but you can't let it consume your every day life. So I am trying to stop reading up on everything, retweet every bit of information and everything coming from the USA. Which of course does not mean I am not a concerned World citizen, it only means I need to cut back a bit for my own (and others) peace of mind. 

© KH

Quotes and Pics 243

Because my son went on holiday and I was worrying too damn much I made quote pics about worrying and anxiety this week.

© KH

Social media break

Lately I haven't felt all that good, not comfortable in my skin, anxious I've wrote it all down the other day on my blog on menopausal crankiness .
I have snapped at people, online as to  my loved ones, and I was thinking; I always feel I 'have' to do things. I stopped with the 'you have to' bit years ago but not on social media. I'm on various parts of social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr, you name it. You check in several times a day to see what's new and there hardly ever is anything new. Just the same old same old. People ranting about the crappy weather, which you like but they don't seem to get, people complaining all the time, people judging other people without even trying to understand their perspective. Of course there is some good things; I've met most all my friends online, I even met my hub online. But.... you seem to 'have to' like everything, respond to everything, 'heart' everything, react to everything. I make a lot of edits everyday. I really like Benedict Cumberbatch but not that much. I was so done with it all, no I am done with it all. I have over 3000 followers on Twitter! It's not that I don't appreaciate those people who seem to like what I do or say, I do! But I can't keep up.

My head was at the verge of exploding so it seemed. I had to take a break from it all. So yesterday I told every social media site I'm taking a social media break.
But now I have a dilemma; Is blogging social media and if it is does that mean I can't write my thoughts here anymore? If I can't write I'll explode! Maybe it's only social if people can respond to it and I should turn the comment section off?
I do feel the need to write every now and again if I feel the need so I can vent my thoughts to someone. To myself mostly. But I also still love making quotes so I might still continue with those. I will listen more to music so perhaps more new music on Sunday blogs to come.. who knows?

Sometimes I write in the hope I learn from it; something that makes me see how wrong I was or how I need to change things. I know I can do that in a personal journal too but this is essentially why I made this blog in the first place; to learn from it, from myself and maybe others can too. I know that my partner with autism blog has helped a lot of women and still does! So maybe there's no harm in writing every now and again still. It will be a big challenge for me as it is to not pick up my phone and check Twitter or Facebook every half hour.

But I'm also looking forward to doing other things again; reading more, writing more, walking, *cleaning my house says* , drawing even which I neglected a lot. Just things I did before social media even was invented. Things I did before I was sitting behind my laptop all afternoon srolling senseless reading stuff and thinking 'what on earth have I done anyway the past two hours?' You waste your life away with your phone in hand at every step you make in life. The first thing you do in the morning? Picking up your phone to see what has happened.... It's not normal now is it!

Well let's just hope I will survive this rehab and can detox a bit.
Writing a blog once in a while isn't the worst of things.

© KH

Getting worried over 'nothing'...

Ever since I can remember I tend to worry or get anxious over things no matter how small or big. They may not be big, they get bigger inside my brain. I've tried to ignore it or get over it but it won't go away. I've tried to give the things to worry over into the hands of others meaning my parents when I was a teen or my partner when I was married, that proved only that I never learned to deal with it myself. I learned to lock things away and ignore it like a good little ostrich normally does. I tried writing about things to relieve myself of the burden of worrying; that helped a bit; I was working on it at least. But as things go when you don't keep on working on it and start slacking the anxiety returns.

I sometimes worry about the tiniest of things. Which with my history of tiny epileptic seizures isn't the wisest thing to do. Stress can provoke those tiny seizures after all. Just last night when I woke up my mind automatically wonders to the things I was worrying about yesteray.
I was supossed to start my course from Monday but the book they sent I am to study was the wrong one. So I haven't started yet! I have a whole month for 2 lessons but still, I don't want to start with being behind already! It is material we already got at our job from our boss, a small course and I work with elderly people every day, so I don't expect it to be very difficult but still; it makes me feel uneasy to start with a delay.

The same with a thing I ordered online, a small thing concidering, but I paid for it and reading the email they sent it to an adress without a home number. Will it arrive? Will I get my money's worth? Why do I worry so much? It's so not worth it! I miss innerpeace, I need innerpeace!
I need to stop overthinking so much!
I know that if I let things go that they have a way to work out for themselves. If I know that, why can't I let it go more? I find it hard to meditate but maybe I need to practise that more as well. I'm finding myself a difficult and complicated person and very tiresome at times. Need to work on that too! Well.... a lot of work needed ; see? It helps writing it down. Right, need to blog more too!

© KH

30 Days Challenge 22, Life

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world. 

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

We live in a society of advice columns, experts and make-over shows. Without even knowing it, you can begin to believe someone knows better than you how to live your life. Someone might know a particular something better – like how to bake a three-layer molten coconut chocolate cake or how to build a website – but nobody else on the planet knows how to live your life better than you. (Although one or two people may think they do.) For today, trying asking yourself often, especially before you make a choice, “What do I know about this?”


Oh there have been so many people who wanted to tell me how to live my life. Maybe there are still one or two. People just who think what I should do. They just do not know how it is to live with a partner with autism and it's soooo easy for them to say!
Do I know how to live my life? I may know how to but I may not always act on it and I know that. I divert from my path often only to look back and see that I'm not on the path I was going for. I will stop and think and search for my path again to go further on it. Why did I let myself go on the wrong path in the first place? Often it is because I let myself get distracted from things that happen here in my home most times with my autistic partner. I can yell to myself that I shouldn't let it bother me, or let it distract me or put me off my path but it happens. Every time I feel good about where I'm going, something will happen with him that puts me a few steps back. I can say to myself 'today I will choose for myself' but I just can't. I'm not a selfish person. He was never raised to do things by himself, well of course the basics but harder decisions which he needs to discuss first he just can't. It will always end up in me diverting from my path and becoming an anxious person again.

A few years ago one of the phychologists who was supposed to help him said I was supposed to be guiding him for the rest of his life. When I said I wasn't planning on it, that he was very capable of doing that on his own if taught right, the man looked at me as if I was a down right hag. Of course we women know that every man has to be guided somewhat ;-) but autistic men have to be guided to an extant that it can cost you your relationship! I never thought it might, but it does. I already had one divorce I don't intend to have another. But to say it is hard is an understatement. You have to fight hard to stay sane first and foremost.

So plan a life? Make a choice? I know there is one but that's not one I am willing to make again. Even though I am feeling I am losing myself again sometimes and I am straying form my path and can see the vultures sitting on the trees waiting for me to fall down and give up. I won't give up, not again! I will fight for myself. If I fall I will get up and crawl if I have to!

© KH

Chin up!

Here we go again. I feel like I'm constantly repeating myself over and over again on this blog and never getting any closer to where I want to go. But I feel stuck again; I feel lost. I feel lonely. I'm depressed maybe and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe I do maybe the answer is staring me right in the face and I don't see it, but the fact is I am down, restless, anxious and feeling so very much alone.

Physically I'm a mess too. Have been for a very long time as well. That's probably a result from the stressing and the worrying about every fucking little detail that's happening around me. I'm anxious which is not good for my body. I'm hugely overweight and I don't give a damn about that. Not that I'm eating too much not at all, I'm not exercising and maybe that's the problem. Also ever since we've got rid of the car and don't drive to the woods to walk there I miss going for walks in nature/the forest. My dog is getting too old to go all the way to the forest and back again and to be honest; Walking there alone scares me a wee bit. But I know for a fact that walking in nature clearing my head helps me enormously.

So why don't I just go and do that you ask? Well that's a very good question; I just don't know. My body is hurting, my back aches, my shoulders ache and there's a strange thing in my stomach that the doc says is stress related but I'm wondering if that's the case. I also have a lot of hormonal issues. Boy if I knew that menopause caused all that trouble I would skip it. Oh wait, you can't... damn.

All in all if I look at myself right now I see a sad, unhappy person and I know that tomorrow that can change again.
That's just the frustrating thing really; the constant changing of emotions, one day you're up the next you're down. My mother once said I always had that but I'm not sure I did, it's gotten worse in menopause. And I'm only 47 and I'm already in it from age 39! 

My youngest son is 17, almost 18. He has a mild case of autism and ADHD. He has a girlfriend and his hormones are raging! So not only is he reacting differently because of his autism (which he thinks is bs) he also reacts more intense because of his hormones and I of course react back with my hormonal imbalance.

Some days the old Napoleon XIV song is on repeat in my head;
They're coming to take me away Ha Ha They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
To the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes
They're coming to take me away ha ha...

Oh well, better be crazy in a nutt house than be a grumpy old mum all the time right. 

Come on old broad, chin up and all that! Ladida... 

© KH

ps trying to blog more frequently from now on... pinky promise!

Overthinking

Your mind is a dangerous thing. It takes you places you sometimes don't want to go. Or you think things are worse than they are. Or are they?
A friend of mine hasn't been in touch for a long time and she was a very dear one, close to my heart. All of a sudden I find myself in all kind of scenarios. It's all my fault anyway or other women who used to be friends but aren't anymore are saying things to her about me that aren't true obviously and I can't defend myself.

Why does a brain do that? Why does a brain lead you to these thoughts? You clearly don't want to think like that! It's not healthy, you feel sad and anxious and it doesn't bring you closer to a solution. The constant over-analyzing brings self-doubt and more anxiety and stress in your life and body. It's just hard sometimes to get it out of your head.

One way to stop all the overthinking is to accept that you're doing just that. Acceptance is a first step.
So is forgiveness; forgive yourself. Our brain is set to overthink everything. As soon as we start to accept that and forgive ourselves we sent a message to our brain that we are starting to change our way of thinking. Turn the negative thoughts into positive ones.
Rewire your brain as it where.

Meditation can also help as can breathing. Once you feel those negative thoughts come racing in; breathe. Breathing will relax you, helps to calm you and focus on those positive thoughts. It connects you to the present moment, it grounds you and it helps to let go. Once we become frantic and our brain starts racing breathing helps to calm you and become focused again and relax body and mind.

Most overthinkers like me want to talk about their problems. I know I do all the time. But does it help you? Or do you make things worse, especially if the person you're talking to is an overthinker as well, by over analyzing things while talking about it? I find that I work myself up even more by talking about it and get more and more anxious. For me it helps more to write things down (like this blog). You don't want to keep bothering people over and over again with your negative thoughts anyway if they even want to keep listening. Writing has turned out to be very healing for me.

Practicing Mindfulness helps to heal overthinking even more. Believe that everything happens for a reason. That you are in the right place in the right time. Trust the Universe and very important; learn to listen to your inner voice. When I stopped to listen that's when the anxiety began I think.
I'm definitely not there yet not by a long shot, but I'm getting there. It's a constant work in progress.

© KH

Bears on the road again

“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems” ― Epictetus

You are seeing bears on the road. This Dutch saying means that you only see obstacles instead of seeing the possibilities.
I am a person who gets, or as I thought got, quite anxious about the weirdest things. Or as I like to say: I see bears on my road where there are none. Instead of seeing the road or a way around the bears I see only the bears and start to panic and feel anxious. All personal growth takes a hold when this starts to happen of course. It's not wise to let the bears take over; it's  much wiser to stay calm and follow your intuition, but that's not always easy. In order to see the road you must know where you are heading, where you want to go and what your goal is.

I know I am a person that if something happens in my life I act immediately without thinking. Sometimes to hasty and afterwards I think; I should have done this or that or said this or that or thought about it longer before saying anything at all. Then the worrying really kicks in. What will the other person do now? Will he or she be angry or have I made a bad situation worse? Even though I was right?

All his life I have fought for my youngest son who has a mild case of autism. When he was younger and a lot of teacher in school didn't understand what he autism was or how they should act I fought that they would understand him and treat him correctly. Even now when he is learning to be a cook his mentor at school isn't understanding him. He has told me son needs to be more enthousiastic but as most people know, not all autistic people can do that, it's not their nature. Son loves this trade but you can't see it on his face. We had all kind of talks about this, but the man just doesn't understand. Now when it's summer holiday, I got an email from my ex (while we don't even have any contact what so ever) where he's complaining that the mentor said the parents never had any contact with school and that son isn't right for the trade. And there they were again; the bears. Surely but slowly they came walking up that road where I had so carefully shoved them off a while back.
I ignored my ex (an ex is an ex for a reason after all) and I emailed the mentor very politely but with hidden anger.

The bears are still there, now for every stupid thing I think of. I have 2 weeks off myself and we're not going away but maybe doing odd jobs around the house. But the bears are taunting me. Really? Should you? But what if... and if you... and and and...
It's so damn annoying! I really want them to go away again and this time permanently.
So I'm trying to relax and breathe and let go.
Ksh, go away bears into the woods where you belong!

© KH